Friday, December 12, 2008
? Love is the longing for the half of ourselves we have lost ¿
Whenever I close my eyes to pray before I go to bed at night, you'll be in my prayers. I avoided you, I avoided singing to songs we used to sing to, I avoided places that we used to go, I avoided topics we used to talk about, I avoided things that make me think of you, I did everything I could to keep myself away from you & our memories but you are still in my prayers. As much as I wish you were near, you are driving further & further away from me.
Should I be thankful?
I am one step closing to clearing out the drawer of memories I had with you. Remember once I asked if you'd be happy seeing that I've moved on? You wouldn't answer me so I said I'd take your silence as a yes & you said no you didn't say that. I still took it as a yes.
This is what you wanted me to do, I am doing it for you. Labels: emotions, friday, pictures, quotes, random, rant, thoughts
trick or treat? @ 2:55 AM
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
? Love is such a flexible term, you never really know what it means ¿
I am filled with you. Skin, blood, bone, brain, & soul.
Whoohoo there is no class tomorrow!! Yay I'm so happy 'cos we've decided to go Christmas shopping after school & class is cancelled yay yay yay! Something to add on to the happy list (:
Debate today was fabbbbbulous. Not that I am siding my own class but I think the guys did really well. Point proven! Gilbert & one of the speakers from dmcd2 almost fought. It was like a one-on-one, audience attacking the speakers. Gilbert shoot up for us & argued with her. The whole class was cheering & all that 'cos they look as though they were about to fight I swear!!!! It was damn exciting not because it's a fight but because................. :) But Naidu stopped them so bleahhhhh
The whole school is infested with bees. What the hell. Especially the trash bin areas! Marc kept disturbing us on the way to the canteen & the way back to the classroom. I swear it's all his fault we were so paranoid ok! We kept ducking when he did all that actions when actually, there is nothing flying around him at all. He just started laughing after seeing us being all retarded.
Dad came to pick me again today & it was just us both so we talked. I told him where we usually have lunch & all that. Even he agrees that this area don't have much places with good food we can choose from. I guess I got the whole appreciating good food genes from him. Then we talked about cars, houses (we always come to this topic whenever we're alone in the car) & money. Then, about life.
Dad: Eh.. be contented ah.
G: Ahhh yeh talk about being contented, I really should feel that way. I have a place to live in, new stuff to use, to wear. I don't have to worry if there's food tomorrow.
Dad: Tv programs showed you a lot. See how others have suffered, and some still suffering. That's why I always tell you girls to be contented. Have I not?
G: Mmhmmm I need to remind myself constantly about that, really.. And stop comparing others.
Dad: I am contented, yknow with all that I have right now. A car, a stable job, a flat I call my own, my family, you girls. I am very contented. Why compare? Compare only make you feel bad & terrible.
G: But daddy yknow sometimes it's so hard not to compare. C'mon look at my friends!! Condo, semi-d, bungalow, owns two cars, their own family business..
Dad: Girl, why compare? Her dad's rich, can afford but I'm sorry your dad is poor. What for compare? My customer is rich also, the one staying here (points to the semi-d). He is his own boss & he earns a lot. Why can't I be like him? (went out of the car to run some errands)
Dad: (came back and..) See, why others ride motorbike? Why don't buy car?
G: Cos cheap ma.
Dad: Because they cannot afford a car. Yeh some wanna save cost. Why others drive van, or trucks?
G: Cos of work lor.
Dad: I also can what. But I'm driving a car now. I have a flat. A happy family. A stable job. I am very contented, girl.
G: I should be, too..
Makes a lot of sense to me, all of a sudden.
I should be contented.
When I got home... MY $50 WORTH OF RINGS PACKAGE HAS FINALLY REACHED ME YAY!!!!!!!!!
So. Damn. Happy.
It was supposed to be here last week but it's okay. As long as it is here yay! I think I'm gonna wear them tomorrow. Not all but one probably :)
In the course of a month, not boasting but I've never experienced this or never expected this, I have about 7 people asking for my number. Is it luck or is it 'cos of the glow on me recently? But this definitely boost my confidence. Let's just take it that I've been glowing more than usual & that beauty products I used these few days is worth the money so I've grown prettier by this bit overnight. Whoa confidence level 89%!
At least a few things to feel happy about today :D
No, not the dream, it felt weird having the same storyline playing in a different setting though it felt right with you stranger. No not you being here, by my side now - in fact I think I don't need you anymore.
Kz I promise some pictures tomorrow, g'night everyone I'm gonna go call the sexy one now whoohoo!
Labels: blockquote, conversation, daily life, emotions, pictures, quotes, school, something meaningful, wednesday
trick or treat? @ 11:06 PM
Monday, December 8, 2008
? I love all your sounds, & baby the way you make my world go round ¿
I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue, I'm sorry about all things I said to you.
I was supposed to meet up with Shijing but.. :( I was feeling worst than ever even after sleeping. Throwing up is never fun, I swear. I do not understand why people would dig their mouths just so they throw up. Ewww I hate it. And I hate that I miss the meeting with her!!! I've been all hyped up for it 'cos I have a lot to share with her, dammit :( Sick at the wrong time!!
So I stayed in all day instead.
I was really tired, slept all the way til 1pm.
I finally got it & the beginning is quite boring :(
:)
Cannot wait to wear the shirt, it looks comfy!
Zel went out. Che stayed until after dinner. So we watched MVP until around 4pm then we went on and on talking about what we should have for dinner, or where should we go for dinner. In the end, the conclusion came & we decided to have KFC & Pizza Hut.
So my maid went to buy & we ate while watching telly. Yummy I tell you! If it weren't for my gastric, I would have had more! But thank God for the gastric else I'd eat more & put on more weight!
Did I mention that Yan came over that day & she couldn't stop looking at the photos of me few years back? How fat and chubby I was, and how much I've changed. From the ugly no make up me, to the eyeliner + mascara me. I've changed so much. I lost about 15kg within a year. Whoa..
She said, "So J saw you through all these times?" I replied yeh, she did.
That made me think a lot. Right back to when we first got to know each other, to the first date, to the first movie, to the first dinner, to the first argument, to the first anniversary, how we both changed in many many ways. We watched each other grow up over the past two years. Amazing, or what? It sure is, to me.
And she's coming home really soon :)
I wonder what she has gotten for me, what she saw in Taiwan, what photos taken, what stories does she have got to share with me. I wonder if she's doing fine there. I wonder if she's looking forward to come home. I wonder if she likes it better in Taiwan or in Sg. I wonder a lot so pardon me.
Like how the wrong person came at the wrong time. But this time it was different. You came. The right person came at the wrong time. Why. This was perfect for you & I. But at the wrong time. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry about the phone calls, the texts, the IMs & needing you. I'm holding on but letting go of you.
How much of you & me do you still see?
Labels: monday, photos, quotes, thoughts
trick or treat? @ 10:40 PM
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
? But being alone wasn't half as bad as being obsessed with a breath taker, a smile faker ¿
I used to know you like the back of my hand until today you held your place. Now you're shifting like the sand. Your chest would heave with pride if I were spoken of. Til tonight, I never knew the difference between comfort & love. Although you're sleeping right next to me, well, it feels like you are wide awake in a distant dream leading a life that is finally free of these endless nights & countless fights that turn us into who we hate to be. This is so difficult for the both of us. I know we tried so hard, there's just no hope for us. Well it's more than a shame that we lost to this game. All my walking, talking, sleeping, breathing - nothing will ever be the same. I used to hold you like it's all that I had. Now begins the falling out, we are like a passing fad. Your mouth would crack a smile if I were spoken of, til tonight you never thought you'd lose this epic battle with love. For what it's worth, I've always admired you, I always thought that we could make it through. Now look what time can do, it took our masterpiece we built & broke it in two.
I always believed in you.
I always loved you.
Now mom & dad are away, so is J. Che, Zel, Gran, my maid & myself is home. Doesn't feel like home yet all. I miss the naggings, suddenly. Like no one would ask me to go have dinner, no one would nag at me to go bathe & wash off my make up, no one would ask how was my day in school, no one would tell me how enocomy is facing a downfall & we shouldn't spend too much.
Oh well, I should treasure the peace I'm having now, no?
School was fun with Kevin around :) I swear he's fucking funny & I'm starting to like him bit by bit. He makes me laugh & forget all the reasons why I'm sighing so much today. Thanks Kevin! And you better learn to keep your mouth shut, I am so serious about this. I will start blackmailing you if you do what you're not supposed to be doing!! Trust is a major issue & I believe staying in this cruel world for more than twenty-two years sure have taught you that, no? ;) Love la love la k stop being =( over WeAllKnowWho!
I'm waiting for the clock to strike twelve & hear my heart break all over again. Why do I love you so much, why do I love you to the extend that I can give up the most precious thing in my life? Why do I think of you ever so often that you're imprinted in my mind & it seems like you're never gonna go away at all? Why do I love you more than you love me? Why when someone is in love, they don't care what they do as long as the one they love stays by their side & that is all that ever matters to them? Why can't you make someone love you as hard as the way you love them? Why can't you just take this chance to love me now when you still have the chance to?
Constant reminder: 15 more minutes & I am not going to cry.
Labels: quotes, school, wednesday
trick or treat? @ 11:45 PM
Monday, December 1, 2008
? Unless you aim for my heart, you'll always miss ¿
Love is how it's lost, not how it's found.
School was dreadful. It was horrible because I-know-what. Yeh, right when I needed you, you're not here. Sigh.
My horoscope needs to stop being the story of my day, seriously.
Your Horoscope Today : 1 Dec 2008
Don`t give up if things don`t go your way today; just try again. You may face some hurdles but optimism and persistence will the most important tools for you today. A positive outlook to life is required most at this time. You will surely be able to overcome any obstacles through your keen intelligence and your force of will.
I'm not having the best nights tonight. With our song playing on repeat in iTunes, tears falling like rain, used tissues almost everywhere, fighting against myself.
And tonight I will weep, cry myself to sleep & pray to God for better days & a remedy to get someone out of my system in the fastest way possible.
"I have this theory that the more important & intimate the emotion, the fewer words are required to express it. For instance, in dating. 'Will you go out with me?' Six words. 'I think I care for you.' Five words. 'You matter to me.' Four words. 'I love you.' Three words. 'Marry me.' Two words. So what's left? What's the one most important & intimate word you can ever say to somebody? It's 'goodbye.'"
(By J. Michael Straczynski.)
It's almost three months & I'm still crying, still bawling, still loving you, still wanting you, still needing you. Why? It's about time I stop, no?
I want to forget you so bad just so I can be happy again. But I don't want to forget. I don't want to lose what I feel for you. I don't want what we feel for each other to go away. I know, I know you feel it too. Look me right in my eyes & tell me that you don't feel the same. Else, I'd say we still belong together. I don't want to lose what I have in plans for you, for me, for us. I don't want my feelings for you to ever go away. I want them to stay because I know these feelings for you are special & emotions I spill for you are special too because they are for you. Because you're my first to almost everything, that makes you absolutely much more special than anything else to me in the world. Do you realise? You don't. When will you ever realise? What is taking you so long to pick me up?
And if you ask me, I'd choose to walk this path & go through all of these again for you. All over again, right from the very happy beginning for you. Only for you & no one else.
Don't make me wait too long dear. When you are done, remember I will be right here waiting for you to come pick me up.. ok?
Labels: blockquote, emotional ramblings, horoscope, monday, quotes, school
trick or treat? @ 10:01 PM
Thursday, November 27, 2008
? I will leave the light on, I'll never give up on you ¿
I know I won't find what I'm looking for until life leaves me stranded at your front door.
Ahhh I don't know. I'm not in any mood to blog, I have nothing to say :/ My head is really heavy & the fever isn't recovering at all. I drank the herbal tea that I got for you. It's..really horrible but I'm starting to like it heh heh
Class was boring today. I can't imagine that I actually didn't bring my book to class. Omg hate myself so much seriously!! I hate to go class without my book ugh.
After class today we went to have lunch at Long John Silver despite the fact that I was a;ready coughing away hahah. We sat there 'til about 2.30pm before we went off on our own separate ways. I wanted to head home 'cos when I got up my seat, my head was spinning like hell. But mom needed me to go down to aunt's saloon to pass her cash as the ATM at that area is faulty. I ended up doing my hair. Treatment + dye + highlight :D Happy with my ew hair, absolutely!
I tried talking, just whispered, "...so sorry...so selfish.." He stopped me and said, "Child I love you regardless & there is nothing you could do that would ever change this. I'm not angry. It happens. But you just can't do it again." And so now I try to keep up, I’ve been exchanging my currency. While a million objects pass through my periphery. Now I’m rubbing my eyes cause they’re starting to bother me. I’ve been staring too long at the screen. But where was it when I first heard that sweet sound of humility? It came to my ears in the goddamn loveliest melody. How grateful I was then to be part of the mystery,
to love and to be loved.
Let's just hope that is enough.
Hm, after we're done, dad came to pick us & we headed home for dinner. Effin' drowsy now :(
I don't expect you to run into my arms. I don't expect you to forget about everything between us. I don't expect you to want this at the exact moment it do.
But I want you to know, that when you're ready, I am too. Because you honestly mean that much to me.
In the morning I was thinking to myself, "I can feel my body breaking down.." & now here I am, coughing like hell, my body so feverish & a running nose. What a right time to fall sick. There's no class tmr & I'm sick. What the fuck man.. I was planning to meet Yan :( :( Fever running at 38 deg. I hope it subsides tomorrow so I can meet Yan to do some shopping & dinner (:
No matter how many coins you throw in a fountain or the number of fingers you cross. If it's not meant to be, it won't happen.
Labels: blockquote, quotes, school, sick, thursday
trick or treat? @ 10:47 PM
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
? I'm a coward, not a fighter, disguised as a lover ¿
Were you honest when you said: I could never leave your bed, wake me up & let me know you're alive, & will you fall in love again?
Finally, things are getting slightly better. And it's true when I say I am happy, I can feel it inside of me. I'm so glad :)
Marc & Mat gave school a miss so the five of us sat together in class. It was SBS & it's hella boring :( We've to form our own groups for the project. The amount of project and assignments are stressing me a lot. I should start early so I can really enjoy my Christmas with the girls :)
After school, we went lunch together at Tiong Bahru Plaza! We had KFC & I didn't even finish half my meal. We had a long talk about boyfriends/girlfriends & happier/unhappier past. So the tension level was kind of high :/ And we realised that all of us cried before in front of each other. Haha lame but still! Least we know we're comfy with each other, riiiight? (:
Oh so that's the way it is, you let me go like you don't owe me a thing. Well I can handle this, I've been through it all before. And you'll get yours. But you can't tell someone that you'll be there & then walk away like you don't care. Now I'm not saying this cause I'm mad. I just want you to understand. One day, it's gonna catch up with you. Baby I thought you knew when you do somebody wrong, before too long it's gonna get done to you. And you might think you got away with playing me for a fool. You must be sitting on top of the world feeling like you're finally free. And you'll wish you never did me wrong. You can't tell someone that you'll be there and then walk away like you don't care.
Stayed there until about 4pm. Took train down to AMK to meet mom. We had a long talk about we-all-know-who :/ I feel so bad upsetting her. I really hate Zel for letting the cat out of the bag. I cannot fucking trust my own fucking sister. I just don't wanna let mom know 'cos she's worried enough about Zel & her nonsense, now me. I'm old enough to deal with my own shit. Tsk stop worrying mom, seriously. But whatever mom said to me made sense...
Picked Zel from tuition. Dad came to pick us & we went home for dinner. I watched telly all the way until around 12mn. Talked to Yan on MSN & went to bed after that. Yay for the last day of school for the week tmr! We're gonna have lunch together again :D
You said move on.
Where do I go?
Labels: blockquote, out and about, quotes, school, wednesday
trick or treat? @ 11:31 PM
Sunday, November 23, 2008
? You blew my mind, left me behind, & now I'm living in your past ¿
You say you don't see any part of me to love in all this mess.
I thought I'd find peace on a cold, rainy Sunday. But calm isn't the word to describe how I've been feeling all day. When I woke up, I felt really horrible from what I read last night. I wish I didn't open it up so I won't have to read it. What's done, cannot be undone so.. Whatever, I just gotta get over it. I don't want having to feel like shit all the time..
I guess one of the reasons why I cannot let it go is because it may never come back. Or rather I know it will never come back & I really want it to come back so I cannot afford to just let it go. I don't know. But letting go is the only thing to do right now, I guess?
"To be honest, I'm not sure about this whole scared of commitment business. I think it's become too handy, a useful phrase that men can bandy about whenever they feel like being assholes. And sure, I do believe there are some men who are genuinely terrified of commitment, but there aren't that many, and for the most part I think it's that they haven't met the right woman yet. Because if a man, no matter how scared he professed to be, met the woman of his dreams, he wouldn't want to let her go, would he? And sure, he might not want to actually get married, but if he were madly in love & risked losing her, he'd do it, wouldn't he? That's what I think, anyway."
(Mr Maybe, by Jane Green)
I spoke a lot about you, moving on & letting go today. First was to Michy, then to J & now to April. I was tearing when I talked to Michy. It happens whenever I speak of you, I just can't help it. I was crying buckets when I talked to J. I blurted things out that I never thought I would, ever until I am over this. When I talked to April, heart's a bit heavy but still alright. Not sobbing, or tearing.
Few days back, mom & I were texting & she sent me another text while I was replying to her previous text. I didn't want to send another text to make it so confusing so I went to read it first. It reads:
"4got to tell u, mummy love you so much." I was in the train & I couldn't stop crying. I really love mom though at times she's so hateable & in the past, I used to write a lot about how much I hate my mom & my family. I've always wanted to tell her all that has been happening the past two weeks 'cos I remember when I was going through this moving on ordeal over Xav, my mom was there & she helped me through it bit by bit. I replied her telling her that I was going through a rough patch & as much as I want to tell her & seek comfort, I don't want her to worry about me & at the same time, I don't want to let her down. I told her I am a strong girl & this will get by, I will be able to make it there. And I also told her that I really love her a lot.
And now mom got to know about everything already. Thanks to we-all-know-who-would-do-such-a-thing. I teared (again. I'm sorry that I am a cry baby ok I don't have a choice!) the instant I heard about it. The reason why I kept it from her 'cos I still want to appear strong in front of her. I wonder what she was in her mind when she got to know about it. I don't want her to confront me but I want her comfort. I talked about you to her just now before dinner then she was like,
"You & * ok right.. Never go out already ah?" I hid away from her eyes & told her yeh we're good, not going out as often as we used to, that's all. We're both too busy with school & etc, so we don't go out so often. She doesn't wanna see me sad & I know she has my interest at heart. I just don't wanna disappoint her & show her that I'm vulnerable.. I don't know but
I love you mom, and that's why I cannot bring myself to let you down.
I was this close to put up one of my favourite photobooth photo of ours as my desktop wallpaper. But I hesitated. I don't want to put up photos of times I used to be so happy when I am not anymore, right now. It makes me feel worse.
Why won't you find me somewhere &
we can kiss like I always wanted to kiss you? Appear at my lift lobby like you used to. We'll take many lift rides as you want &
I'd be sure to give you more than just one kiss. Let me forget that we were never meant to be & you are no longer my somebody, let me forget that you've long forgotten about me.
Day sixteen: You're turning into this cold monster I've never met before. Miss you, anyway.
P/s: School tomorrow & I have nothing packed. So dead. Effin' lazy. I shall do it all tomorrow. Off to call Yan! (L)
Labels: blockquote, home, quotes, sunday
trick or treat? @ 10:16 PM
Friday, December 12, 2008
? Love is the longing for the half of ourselves we have lost ¿
Whenever I close my eyes to pray before I go to bed at night, you'll be in my prayers. I avoided you, I avoided singing to songs we used to sing to, I avoided places that we used to go, I avoided topics we used to talk about, I avoided things that make me think of you, I did everything I could to keep myself away from you & our memories but you are still in my prayers. As much as I wish you were near, you are driving further & further away from me.
Should I be thankful?
I am one step closing to clearing out the drawer of memories I had with you. Remember once I asked if you'd be happy seeing that I've moved on? You wouldn't answer me so I said I'd take your silence as a yes & you said no you didn't say that. I still took it as a yes.
This is what you wanted me to do, I am doing it for you. Labels: emotions, friday, pictures, quotes, random, rant, thoughts
trick or treat? @ 2:55 AM
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
? Love is such a flexible term, you never really know what it means ¿
I am filled with you. Skin, blood, bone, brain, & soul.
Whoohoo there is no class tomorrow!! Yay I'm so happy 'cos we've decided to go Christmas shopping after school & class is cancelled yay yay yay! Something to add on to the happy list (:
Debate today was fabbbbbulous. Not that I am siding my own class but I think the guys did really well. Point proven! Gilbert & one of the speakers from dmcd2 almost fought. It was like a one-on-one, audience attacking the speakers. Gilbert shoot up for us & argued with her. The whole class was cheering & all that 'cos they look as though they were about to fight I swear!!!! It was damn exciting not because it's a fight but because................. :) But Naidu stopped them so bleahhhhh
The whole school is infested with bees. What the hell. Especially the trash bin areas! Marc kept disturbing us on the way to the canteen & the way back to the classroom. I swear it's all his fault we were so paranoid ok! We kept ducking when he did all that actions when actually, there is nothing flying around him at all. He just started laughing after seeing us being all retarded.
Dad came to pick me again today & it was just us both so we talked. I told him where we usually have lunch & all that. Even he agrees that this area don't have much places with good food we can choose from. I guess I got the whole appreciating good food genes from him. Then we talked about cars, houses (we always come to this topic whenever we're alone in the car) & money. Then, about life.
Dad: Eh.. be contented ah.
G: Ahhh yeh talk about being contented, I really should feel that way. I have a place to live in, new stuff to use, to wear. I don't have to worry if there's food tomorrow.
Dad: Tv programs showed you a lot. See how others have suffered, and some still suffering. That's why I always tell you girls to be contented. Have I not?
G: Mmhmmm I need to remind myself constantly about that, really.. And stop comparing others.
Dad: I am contented, yknow with all that I have right now. A car, a stable job, a flat I call my own, my family, you girls. I am very contented. Why compare? Compare only make you feel bad & terrible.
G: But daddy yknow sometimes it's so hard not to compare. C'mon look at my friends!! Condo, semi-d, bungalow, owns two cars, their own family business..
Dad: Girl, why compare? Her dad's rich, can afford but I'm sorry your dad is poor. What for compare? My customer is rich also, the one staying here (points to the semi-d). He is his own boss & he earns a lot. Why can't I be like him? (went out of the car to run some errands)
Dad: (came back and..) See, why others ride motorbike? Why don't buy car?
G: Cos cheap ma.
Dad: Because they cannot afford a car. Yeh some wanna save cost. Why others drive van, or trucks?
G: Cos of work lor.
Dad: I also can what. But I'm driving a car now. I have a flat. A happy family. A stable job. I am very contented, girl.
G: I should be, too..
Makes a lot of sense to me, all of a sudden.
I should be contented.
When I got home... MY $50 WORTH OF RINGS PACKAGE HAS FINALLY REACHED ME YAY!!!!!!!!!
So. Damn. Happy.
It was supposed to be here last week but it's okay. As long as it is here yay! I think I'm gonna wear them tomorrow. Not all but one probably :)
In the course of a month, not boasting but I've never experienced this or never expected this, I have about 7 people asking for my number. Is it luck or is it 'cos of the glow on me recently? But this definitely boost my confidence. Let's just take it that I've been glowing more than usual & that beauty products I used these few days is worth the money so I've grown prettier by this bit overnight. Whoa confidence level 89%!
At least a few things to feel happy about today :D
No, not the dream, it felt weird having the same storyline playing in a different setting though it felt right with you stranger. No not you being here, by my side now - in fact I think I don't need you anymore.
Kz I promise some pictures tomorrow, g'night everyone I'm gonna go call the sexy one now whoohoo!
Labels: blockquote, conversation, daily life, emotions, pictures, quotes, school, something meaningful, wednesday
trick or treat? @ 11:06 PM
Monday, December 8, 2008
? I love all your sounds, & baby the way you make my world go round ¿
I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue, I'm sorry about all things I said to you.
I was supposed to meet up with Shijing but.. :( I was feeling worst than ever even after sleeping. Throwing up is never fun, I swear. I do not understand why people would dig their mouths just so they throw up. Ewww I hate it. And I hate that I miss the meeting with her!!! I've been all hyped up for it 'cos I have a lot to share with her, dammit :( Sick at the wrong time!!
So I stayed in all day instead.
I was really tired, slept all the way til 1pm.
I finally got it & the beginning is quite boring :(
:)
Cannot wait to wear the shirt, it looks comfy!
Zel went out. Che stayed until after dinner. So we watched MVP until around 4pm then we went on and on talking about what we should have for dinner, or where should we go for dinner. In the end, the conclusion came & we decided to have KFC & Pizza Hut.
So my maid went to buy & we ate while watching telly. Yummy I tell you! If it weren't for my gastric, I would have had more! But thank God for the gastric else I'd eat more & put on more weight!
Did I mention that Yan came over that day & she couldn't stop looking at the photos of me few years back? How fat and chubby I was, and how much I've changed. From the ugly no make up me, to the eyeliner + mascara me. I've changed so much. I lost about 15kg within a year. Whoa..
She said, "So J saw you through all these times?" I replied yeh, she did.
That made me think a lot. Right back to when we first got to know each other, to the first date, to the first movie, to the first dinner, to the first argument, to the first anniversary, how we both changed in many many ways. We watched each other grow up over the past two years. Amazing, or what? It sure is, to me.
And she's coming home really soon :)
I wonder what she has gotten for me, what she saw in Taiwan, what photos taken, what stories does she have got to share with me. I wonder if she's doing fine there. I wonder if she's looking forward to come home. I wonder if she likes it better in Taiwan or in Sg. I wonder a lot so pardon me.
Like how the wrong person came at the wrong time. But this time it was different. You came. The right person came at the wrong time. Why. This was perfect for you & I. But at the wrong time. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry about the phone calls, the texts, the IMs & needing you. I'm holding on but letting go of you.
How much of you & me do you still see?
Labels: monday, photos, quotes, thoughts
trick or treat? @ 10:40 PM
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
? But being alone wasn't half as bad as being obsessed with a breath taker, a smile faker ¿
I used to know you like the back of my hand until today you held your place. Now you're shifting like the sand. Your chest would heave with pride if I were spoken of. Til tonight, I never knew the difference between comfort & love. Although you're sleeping right next to me, well, it feels like you are wide awake in a distant dream leading a life that is finally free of these endless nights & countless fights that turn us into who we hate to be. This is so difficult for the both of us. I know we tried so hard, there's just no hope for us. Well it's more than a shame that we lost to this game. All my walking, talking, sleeping, breathing - nothing will ever be the same. I used to hold you like it's all that I had. Now begins the falling out, we are like a passing fad. Your mouth would crack a smile if I were spoken of, til tonight you never thought you'd lose this epic battle with love. For what it's worth, I've always admired you, I always thought that we could make it through. Now look what time can do, it took our masterpiece we built & broke it in two.
I always believed in you.
I always loved you.
Now mom & dad are away, so is J. Che, Zel, Gran, my maid & myself is home. Doesn't feel like home yet all. I miss the naggings, suddenly. Like no one would ask me to go have dinner, no one would nag at me to go bathe & wash off my make up, no one would ask how was my day in school, no one would tell me how enocomy is facing a downfall & we shouldn't spend too much.
Oh well, I should treasure the peace I'm having now, no?
School was fun with Kevin around :) I swear he's fucking funny & I'm starting to like him bit by bit. He makes me laugh & forget all the reasons why I'm sighing so much today. Thanks Kevin! And you better learn to keep your mouth shut, I am so serious about this. I will start blackmailing you if you do what you're not supposed to be doing!! Trust is a major issue & I believe staying in this cruel world for more than twenty-two years sure have taught you that, no? ;) Love la love la k stop being =( over WeAllKnowWho!
I'm waiting for the clock to strike twelve & hear my heart break all over again. Why do I love you so much, why do I love you to the extend that I can give up the most precious thing in my life? Why do I think of you ever so often that you're imprinted in my mind & it seems like you're never gonna go away at all? Why do I love you more than you love me? Why when someone is in love, they don't care what they do as long as the one they love stays by their side & that is all that ever matters to them? Why can't you make someone love you as hard as the way you love them? Why can't you just take this chance to love me now when you still have the chance to?
Constant reminder: 15 more minutes & I am not going to cry.
Labels: quotes, school, wednesday
trick or treat? @ 11:45 PM
Monday, December 1, 2008
? Unless you aim for my heart, you'll always miss ¿
Love is how it's lost, not how it's found.
School was dreadful. It was horrible because I-know-what. Yeh, right when I needed you, you're not here. Sigh.
My horoscope needs to stop being the story of my day, seriously.
Your Horoscope Today : 1 Dec 2008
Don`t give up if things don`t go your way today; just try again. You may face some hurdles but optimism and persistence will the most important tools for you today. A positive outlook to life is required most at this time. You will surely be able to overcome any obstacles through your keen intelligence and your force of will.
I'm not having the best nights tonight. With our song playing on repeat in iTunes, tears falling like rain, used tissues almost everywhere, fighting against myself.
And tonight I will weep, cry myself to sleep & pray to God for better days & a remedy to get someone out of my system in the fastest way possible.
"I have this theory that the more important & intimate the emotion, the fewer words are required to express it. For instance, in dating. 'Will you go out with me?' Six words. 'I think I care for you.' Five words. 'You matter to me.' Four words. 'I love you.' Three words. 'Marry me.' Two words. So what's left? What's the one most important & intimate word you can ever say to somebody? It's 'goodbye.'"
(By J. Michael Straczynski.)
It's almost three months & I'm still crying, still bawling, still loving you, still wanting you, still needing you. Why? It's about time I stop, no?
I want to forget you so bad just so I can be happy again. But I don't want to forget. I don't want to lose what I feel for you. I don't want what we feel for each other to go away. I know, I know you feel it too. Look me right in my eyes & tell me that you don't feel the same. Else, I'd say we still belong together. I don't want to lose what I have in plans for you, for me, for us. I don't want my feelings for you to ever go away. I want them to stay because I know these feelings for you are special & emotions I spill for you are special too because they are for you. Because you're my first to almost everything, that makes you absolutely much more special than anything else to me in the world. Do you realise? You don't. When will you ever realise? What is taking you so long to pick me up?
And if you ask me, I'd choose to walk this path & go through all of these again for you. All over again, right from the very happy beginning for you. Only for you & no one else.
Don't make me wait too long dear. When you are done, remember I will be right here waiting for you to come pick me up.. ok?
Labels: blockquote, emotional ramblings, horoscope, monday, quotes, school
trick or treat? @ 10:01 PM
Thursday, November 27, 2008
? I will leave the light on, I'll never give up on you ¿
I know I won't find what I'm looking for until life leaves me stranded at your front door.
Ahhh I don't know. I'm not in any mood to blog, I have nothing to say :/ My head is really heavy & the fever isn't recovering at all. I drank the herbal tea that I got for you. It's..really horrible but I'm starting to like it heh heh
Class was boring today. I can't imagine that I actually didn't bring my book to class. Omg hate myself so much seriously!! I hate to go class without my book ugh.
After class today we went to have lunch at Long John Silver despite the fact that I was a;ready coughing away hahah. We sat there 'til about 2.30pm before we went off on our own separate ways. I wanted to head home 'cos when I got up my seat, my head was spinning like hell. But mom needed me to go down to aunt's saloon to pass her cash as the ATM at that area is faulty. I ended up doing my hair. Treatment + dye + highlight :D Happy with my ew hair, absolutely!
I tried talking, just whispered, "...so sorry...so selfish.." He stopped me and said, "Child I love you regardless & there is nothing you could do that would ever change this. I'm not angry. It happens. But you just can't do it again." And so now I try to keep up, I’ve been exchanging my currency. While a million objects pass through my periphery. Now I’m rubbing my eyes cause they’re starting to bother me. I’ve been staring too long at the screen. But where was it when I first heard that sweet sound of humility? It came to my ears in the goddamn loveliest melody. How grateful I was then to be part of the mystery,
to love and to be loved.
Let's just hope that is enough.
Hm, after we're done, dad came to pick us & we headed home for dinner. Effin' drowsy now :(
I don't expect you to run into my arms. I don't expect you to forget about everything between us. I don't expect you to want this at the exact moment it do.
But I want you to know, that when you're ready, I am too. Because you honestly mean that much to me.
In the morning I was thinking to myself, "I can feel my body breaking down.." & now here I am, coughing like hell, my body so feverish & a running nose. What a right time to fall sick. There's no class tmr & I'm sick. What the fuck man.. I was planning to meet Yan :( :( Fever running at 38 deg. I hope it subsides tomorrow so I can meet Yan to do some shopping & dinner (:
No matter how many coins you throw in a fountain or the number of fingers you cross. If it's not meant to be, it won't happen.
Labels: blockquote, quotes, school, sick, thursday
trick or treat? @ 10:47 PM
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
? I'm a coward, not a fighter, disguised as a lover ¿
Were you honest when you said: I could never leave your bed, wake me up & let me know you're alive, & will you fall in love again?
Finally, things are getting slightly better. And it's true when I say I am happy, I can feel it inside of me. I'm so glad :)
Marc & Mat gave school a miss so the five of us sat together in class. It was SBS & it's hella boring :( We've to form our own groups for the project. The amount of project and assignments are stressing me a lot. I should start early so I can really enjoy my Christmas with the girls :)
After school, we went lunch together at Tiong Bahru Plaza! We had KFC & I didn't even finish half my meal. We had a long talk about boyfriends/girlfriends & happier/unhappier past. So the tension level was kind of high :/ And we realised that all of us cried before in front of each other. Haha lame but still! Least we know we're comfy with each other, riiiight? (:
Oh so that's the way it is, you let me go like you don't owe me a thing. Well I can handle this, I've been through it all before. And you'll get yours. But you can't tell someone that you'll be there & then walk away like you don't care. Now I'm not saying this cause I'm mad. I just want you to understand. One day, it's gonna catch up with you. Baby I thought you knew when you do somebody wrong, before too long it's gonna get done to you. And you might think you got away with playing me for a fool. You must be sitting on top of the world feeling like you're finally free. And you'll wish you never did me wrong. You can't tell someone that you'll be there and then walk away like you don't care.
Stayed there until about 4pm. Took train down to AMK to meet mom. We had a long talk about we-all-know-who :/ I feel so bad upsetting her. I really hate Zel for letting the cat out of the bag. I cannot fucking trust my own fucking sister. I just don't wanna let mom know 'cos she's worried enough about Zel & her nonsense, now me. I'm old enough to deal with my own shit. Tsk stop worrying mom, seriously. But whatever mom said to me made sense...
Picked Zel from tuition. Dad came to pick us & we went home for dinner. I watched telly all the way until around 12mn. Talked to Yan on MSN & went to bed after that. Yay for the last day of school for the week tmr! We're gonna have lunch together again :D
You said move on.
Where do I go?
Labels: blockquote, out and about, quotes, school, wednesday
trick or treat? @ 11:31 PM
Sunday, November 23, 2008
? You blew my mind, left me behind, & now I'm living in your past ¿
You say you don't see any part of me to love in all this mess.
I thought I'd find peace on a cold, rainy Sunday. But calm isn't the word to describe how I've been feeling all day. When I woke up, I felt really horrible from what I read last night. I wish I didn't open it up so I won't have to read it. What's done, cannot be undone so.. Whatever, I just gotta get over it. I don't want having to feel like shit all the time..
I guess one of the reasons why I cannot let it go is because it may never come back. Or rather I know it will never come back & I really want it to come back so I cannot afford to just let it go. I don't know. But letting go is the only thing to do right now, I guess?
"To be honest, I'm not sure about this whole scared of commitment business. I think it's become too handy, a useful phrase that men can bandy about whenever they feel like being assholes. And sure, I do believe there are some men who are genuinely terrified of commitment, but there aren't that many, and for the most part I think it's that they haven't met the right woman yet. Because if a man, no matter how scared he professed to be, met the woman of his dreams, he wouldn't want to let her go, would he? And sure, he might not want to actually get married, but if he were madly in love & risked losing her, he'd do it, wouldn't he? That's what I think, anyway."
(Mr Maybe, by Jane Green)
I spoke a lot about you, moving on & letting go today. First was to Michy, then to J & now to April. I was tearing when I talked to Michy. It happens whenever I speak of you, I just can't help it. I was crying buckets when I talked to J. I blurted things out that I never thought I would, ever until I am over this. When I talked to April, heart's a bit heavy but still alright. Not sobbing, or tearing.
Few days back, mom & I were texting & she sent me another text while I was replying to her previous text. I didn't want to send another text to make it so confusing so I went to read it first. It reads:
"4got to tell u, mummy love you so much." I was in the train & I couldn't stop crying. I really love mom though at times she's so hateable & in the past, I used to write a lot about how much I hate my mom & my family. I've always wanted to tell her all that has been happening the past two weeks 'cos I remember when I was going through this moving on ordeal over Xav, my mom was there & she helped me through it bit by bit. I replied her telling her that I was going through a rough patch & as much as I want to tell her & seek comfort, I don't want her to worry about me & at the same time, I don't want to let her down. I told her I am a strong girl & this will get by, I will be able to make it there. And I also told her that I really love her a lot.
And now mom got to know about everything already. Thanks to we-all-know-who-would-do-such-a-thing. I teared (again. I'm sorry that I am a cry baby ok I don't have a choice!) the instant I heard about it. The reason why I kept it from her 'cos I still want to appear strong in front of her. I wonder what she was in her mind when she got to know about it. I don't want her to confront me but I want her comfort. I talked about you to her just now before dinner then she was like,
"You & * ok right.. Never go out already ah?" I hid away from her eyes & told her yeh we're good, not going out as often as we used to, that's all. We're both too busy with school & etc, so we don't go out so often. She doesn't wanna see me sad & I know she has my interest at heart. I just don't wanna disappoint her & show her that I'm vulnerable.. I don't know but
I love you mom, and that's why I cannot bring myself to let you down.
I was this close to put up one of my favourite photobooth photo of ours as my desktop wallpaper. But I hesitated. I don't want to put up photos of times I used to be so happy when I am not anymore, right now. It makes me feel worse.
Why won't you find me somewhere &
we can kiss like I always wanted to kiss you? Appear at my lift lobby like you used to. We'll take many lift rides as you want &
I'd be sure to give you more than just one kiss. Let me forget that we were never meant to be & you are no longer my somebody, let me forget that you've long forgotten about me.
Day sixteen: You're turning into this cold monster I've never met before. Miss you, anyway.
P/s: School tomorrow & I have nothing packed. So dead. Effin' lazy. I shall do it all tomorrow. Off to call Yan! (L)
Labels: blockquote, home, quotes, sunday
trick or treat? @ 10:16 PM
e_motionallystripped