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Wednesday, December 31, 2008
? You know I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind ¿
What a way to start the last day of 2008, the eve of the first day of 2009.
Not a fascinating way, but heart warming. Because of you.
The longest & also the best conversation we had. Not better or longer than the ones we had when we were all good. But guess what? I was shaking when you said hello. My palms were perspiring, body shaking, heart racing. I never felt this way after mom & dad left for Beijing. I can always calm myself down easily but this time felt so..different. Why is it so difficult to, I don't know. I thought you were gonna throw into a fit and start being nasty to me but who knew the talk is looking good.
Fucking glad, fucking fucking relieved.
Despite what took place last noon.
Don't blame me for being angry. I mean, natural reaction right? You probably don't give two fucks about it if it were me but because I do, that's why I reacted this way. But then on my way home, I thought if I were in the same position, I'd do the same. I should've understand. My bad.
But I'm all good now, and you know that.
Honestly, I had a lot more than just that to ask you. Like why didn't you ask, why didn't you come, what if I asked you out, do you miss me, do you think of me, do you wish i was right where you were, do you wish i was there to listen to you, do you wish this whole episode didn't took place & all that. I'm sure you can feel it too. I just..didn't have that much amount of courage to ask and not get upset with your reply. Plus you weren't asking me anything, saying you've gotten all the answers you needed..which make me feel like I shouldn't ask too much just so I won't irritate you. Maybe not tonight. I don't know when would I have a chance to talk to you like this again but I hope there will be a chance.
"Be there as much as possible, because that's the only time I can be near you, be close to you, being in your presence, at every possible moment of your life. Is it too big a request?"
Every possible moment of your life.
I wish you were nearer, I wish you were here.
You know I will spill my heart & let the emotions & thoughts of you flow here in my only outlet, any day. If you ever think that no one cares or loves you, please know you still have me darling.
Because I love you too, always have & always will.
♥
I've waited so long to prove that I'm in love with you, will every door that's open lead me straight to you?
I miss you.
And I have been missing you for a while.
Gossip Girl makes me happy, just like how reading Twilight does. And now, New Moon. Though it's kinda boring now 'cos the part I'm reading Edward is not around. I hope he comes back soon to excite things once again.
We were supposed to meet up at 12 for Swensen's at Holland V but apparently our Little Miss Late is still asleep. Yes at 12. I can happily kiss my lunch goodbye now. I was looking forward to it. (insert sad face here)
Last Tuesday of 2008, tomorrow's the last day of 2008.
I am not looking forward to it at all. I don't even have plans. Other than family dinner at Seafood Paradise at Singapore Flyer tomorrow night. After that, I want to have plans!! (inserts frown face here) Jemi is with boyfriend, I bet Shim would be too. So is Yan, defo with M & the sisters. J is being an irritating pest, waiting for me to ask her out while I'm waiting for her to ask me out (HAHAHA). I wonder if Jon, Ted & Merl are going anywhere tomorrow. I think they are. But where I do not know. Wait..why am I worry so much I do not welcome 2009 so I should not countdown & stay home and emo!!
Ok actually I should welcome 2009 because it is gonna be a much better year for me, riiiiight? (inserts happy face here)
Danica & I are complaining how we don't wanna attend today's class but I know you'll be there so I should attend. Recalling what you said to me last night, all the more I should go. I know it is gonna hurt a little when I see VVS40TTNG & not me in the passenger seat but still, I wanna be there at every possible moment in your life.
I'm gonna continue with GG until Jemi calls me.
kz l8r GG + school for naw ^^
? I was just living in the moment & the moment was all about you ¿
Katy Perry - Thinking of You
Comparisons are easily done
Once you've had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one
I still got the seed
You said move on
Where do I go
I guess second best
Is all I will know
Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes
You're like an Indian summer
In the middle of winter
Like a hard candy
With a surprise center How do I get better
Once I've had the best
You said there's
Tons of fish in the water
So the waters I will test
He kissed my lips
I taste your mouth
He pulled me in
I was disgusted with myself
Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into...
You're the best And yes I do regret How I could let myself
Let you go
Now the lesson's learned
I touched it I was burned
Oh I think you should know
Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Oh won't you walk through
And bust in the door
And take me away
Oh no more mistakes
Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay...
x
I think you'd ever only strike a conversation with me when you need my help or thank me for something. So it will start with 'thank you' with your favourite double chin smiley & end with 'welcome' or 'no problem' plus a smiley of my liking.
I'm sure it is not so hard to talk to me.. Or is it really this hard? I guess I made it this hard. I'm sorry.
But tonight I think this is the longest conversation we ever had between us after that we-all-know-because-of-what-stupid-things-I-did conversation. Yay or nay?
Yay for me but nay for you.
x
I like what we have now because there is this home feeling with you, not because of this complicated platonic relationship. I don't wanna go into talking about us again because I know after that you're gonna start behaving all weirdly, tell me things I don't wanna hear or things that would hurt me & the pain would last for a few days. I don't want that to happen. I wanna keep things how we're like now. Close like lovers are but inside, I don't know where your heart lies but I know the home of my heart is your heart.
"Your heart said so."
"No, I'm sure it didn't. Although my heart is nearer to you than it is to me, I am sure it wouldn't say that of you. My heart knows that I love you."
And next? I had to change topic with a snap of my fingers before you start your nonsense again. See how much I don't wanna hear what I don't wanna hear? I really like what we do together. Having plans for the next outing, next next outing, next next next outing just like before. Having plans to meet up with mutual friends for dinner or just to catch up over coffee, shop for the same things together, things you like = things I like, I know what you hate most & vice versa, knowing what each other is craving to have for dinner at that very moment, without having to ask we both know what we're thinking about just by exchanging glances.
You're the lover kind of best friend, the best friend kind of lover.
I don't think I can ever live without you, darling.
♥
I've been trying to cheer you up, put my unhappy self behind so it wouldn't affect your mood at all. And right now, I am so fucking drained. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. Bedtime, g'night xx
? You're what keeps me believing this world's not gone dead ¿
Why can't stop thinking of you, get all breathless when you're near?
I am starting to dislike things that reminds me of you. It's almost everything. What have we not done when we're together. It's the things we do & enjoy together that reminds me of you. They never fail to. I wish they would stop. I wonder how you do it like you do. You go about everyday without a single thought of me, keep laughing & keep being happy with your friends but why can't I?
When we agreed it was lust, that your lips were on mine, I was happy. Now I want it back again. I want that very moment. Every single moment. With you. I'm at my best when I am with you. Why can't you see it?
It's not that I do not want to let go. I want to because I've been upset so long, long enough for a seed to blossom into a beautiful flower & I'm still here missing you, tearing away, watching the clip of happy memories. I don't want to because..because..I don't know. Something stops me, I don't know what is it. Seems like my heart knows you'd come home to me after all, that's why I am not willing to let it go.
You're the reason why I don't wanna leave 2008 for the happy memories we've made & go into 2009 without you at all.
♥
P/s: Happy 19th. Though it was a bad start cos we spoke of her just now. But I love you anywayz.
P/p/s: Tomorrow is going to be better because school + lots of love kissmas lunch with Jems & Shim + Twilight and cheap kopitiam dinner with J :)
P/p/p/s: I am already in the midst of saving up & planning for the surprise, yay or nay?
? But I've been thinking of you, got these far away blues ¿
Tonight was great.
The opera was fabulous, distracted by every thought of you that comes into my head once in awhile. Supper was even better, the happy couple behind reminded me so much of how things used to be.
I find myself thinking of you more when I try not to. The more I tell myself I should have fun tonight because I deserve to, the lesser fun I have. But tonight, I did have fun, going around in the day with thoughts of you running in my head.
To be honest I didn't expected anything 'cept thank yous and more thank yous from you. Well, if that's what you were thinking yknow, I wanted something more more more from you. But no, I don't. I do not. Absolutely. I explain because I want you to know, I want you to understand. I believe somehow you'll get to know it..I don't know how but I'm just hoping someone would tell you about or something. Or, you already know it. I prefer the latter though.
I still miss you..I guess. I don't know but I shouldn't be at all or anymore. Because remember I told _ that I'd get you out of my system after this because I've prayed so much for you & for me, told God what I always wanted, did what I have to and it's been omg-long-enough-fifty-one days, so how long am I expected to stay here for? I know you're worth it, you're worth everything I am doing right now but do you think so?
M & her boyfriend of three years broke up because her boyfriend fell for someone else. So he went with this girl but they didn't work out. So after eight good months, he went back for M. Guess what, M took him in. Still. Yes. She did. A said she was naive to do so, dumb decision. But I said nothing. I've never heard of stories like these. That's why I didn't actually believe that this might happen to me/us after all, or there might be a possibility. So then I wondered if that was gonna happen to me. Or even us. I didn't think M was naive, or was it a dumb decision. Because if G were M, she would have done the same, I thought.
Are we gonna get closure on this, ever? Are we coming out of history already? Are we?
Just three words, my love: you meant everything.
♥
Thinking of a way to get you to stay, & I'll promise to fight the wind & wait for you.
? I'm never going to know you now but I'm going to love you anyhow ¿
Why do I have a strong gut feeling that you met someone new?
It's been draining on me these days but I still stay up and think of you tonight. Well, another miss you nights. The way you looked, the way you smiled, the way you held, the way you did your walk, the way you said thank you, the way you said fuck you. Why can't I not remember so much about you?
I remind myself constantly that when I do all of these for you, you do not know a single thing about it. If you'd get to know about it, you cannot be bothered by it either. You would not feel sorry for me, or even a least bit thankful for all that I've done.
I don't know anything but I know I still want the best for you.
And, I wished you asked. I wished you didn't just reply a simple 'fuck you'. Can I also mention that we were all disappointed that you did not bother to? I wished you remembered what you said the other time. I wished you remember everything like the way I did. I wished you knew how much I've missed & still missing you. I wished you knew your hugs are the warmest in the times of coldness like this. I wished you knew when tears fall your kisses would soothe me in a millisecond. I wished you knew when I need a listener or someone to rant to about my bad day I would think of you as the best candidate to pick from. I wished you knew you're in my prayers every single night. I wished you knew I always love to see your pretty face on my cellphone screen. I wished you knew what I really wish for & want this Christmas. I wished when you look at me it reminds you just as much happy times as it does for me. I wish you would not just stay in this silence but finally break it. I wished you find it hard to look at me in the eye. I wish you would make an effort to take a second look at me. I wish you knew how much I've wished & still wishing for you.
I wished you'd never meet someone like me.
'Cos everything inside it never comes out right & when I see you cry, it makes me wanna die. I'm sorry about all the things I said to you & I know I can't take it back.
? Spoken words like moonlight, you're the voice that I like ¿
"But for now let me say,"
"Without hope or agenda,"
"Just because it's Christmas-" "(And at Christmas you tell the truth)" "To me, you're perfect"
"And my wasted heart will love you"
I think I've held back for long enough, for this "stay happy" period just so I don't break down & cry, feel upset & sorry for myself, keep whispering apologies to you for crying so hard over missing you again.
But tonight, I let the tears ruin my make up, let them smudge, let the mascara run upon hearing what I didn't wanna hear..
Breaking down. Finally.
I hope breaking down this time would be the last time in a long long while. This cry would be a huge ass reminder to how much more stronger I have to be from now on.
x
There's no reason your name should come up on my cell, unless you're in need but that shouldn't be the case on Christmas. I was surprised as I read 'Merry Christmas', yet a little happy at the same time. The same familiar ID photo I attached to your contact in my phone, the same familiar feeling I get whenever I see your name.
I hope tomorrow is going to be a much better day. With all the gifts to be given out & a few to receive, I am looking forward to it. I wanna be happy tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, and every day that follows.
Not another crying night like this, I sure do not need it.
I think I haven't said this to you in a while but I love you, darling.
Forty-nine days of waiting.
One hundred and thirteen days of love.
Five hundred and seventy-seven days of true love & lust.
Which would you pick?
♥
? I haven't told you yet, but I'm going to be with you ¿
Finally, it is the end of my emo gloomy Christmas eve.
So what did I do?
x had very little dinner
x did Naidu's essay
x online shopped
x watched Gossip Girl
x played Facebook games
x Merl came to stayover so we had supper at Ya Kun
x talked to Delon, RachaelG, April & J
x had Haagen Darz ice-cream
x planned tomorrow's itinerary
x cleaned & polished my dslr
x watched The Family Stone
x watched cartoons
x thought of you
Not bad huh at least I finished my essay & finally started on GG. Ya Kun was good, it always have been. Ice-cream was given by Merl. Green Tea flavored. I don't like it. Tomorrow's itinerary is to have cheap & good lunch at Kopitiam, shop for both our presents, have a lot of pictures taken, walk every street with nice Christmas lightings, have pictures taken & feel Christmasy, have a good dinner at a nice (need not be) posh place with super duper good food & lastly head home feeling really happy & have to have enjoyed each other's company. My camera is all set to start work anytime, it's all clean. Watching The Family Stone feels so..awww & so warmth. I like. Cartoons were funny but I didn't laugh 'cos I watched it a few times already. Thinking of you wasn't the best part of it all but it put a smile on my face.
If I could let my feelings out, then I could show you that I have been thinking that we'd have gotten farther if we never even started at all. I wished we hadn't so we could cut all the awkwardness right now.
I took my morning walk, I took my evening walk, I ate something, I thought about something, I wrote, I napped & dreamed something too, & with all that something, I still have nothing because so much of something has always been & always will be you.
I miss you.
I love you like the stars above, I'll love you 'til I die.
♥
? Don't stop calling, you're the reason I love losing sleep ¿
Whatever I've said to you has fallen on deaf ears.
I'm exasperated. Disappointed. So very tired.
Why do you not understand :(
I wanna know why you asked, I wanna ask but I'm afraid of your answer.
x
Last night, I went through my inbox filled of your texts. The one you sent just a month or two back on that very day, the first sentence had tears welled up in both my eyes & when I read them out loud, I was tearing like mad. My voice was trembling with fear, guilt & sadness.
No doubt, every sweet text from you I read did made me smile but the bitterness stayed where my heart is. How can I ever make it go away.. I guess the only time when it will really go away is when you're out of my heart & my mind. I don't know when will be the time but I hope it is real soon. As much as I want to remember this feeling I have for you that I would never feel the same for someone else, I have to because I'm dying to see the real me, the happier me again.
That look into your eyes, I saw sparks that flew. Was it supposed to be this way because you said _ the other time? I was afraid, that was why I looked away. So so afraid, I dare not look at you.
I wish I could still say I'm strong like before but I don't think I am anymore.
"Love you!" rings in my head quite often in your velvety voice of recent..
And that's the only thing you said that I can remember in your voice. I wish I'd record our conversation in the past, so I wouldn't have to miss you so much. I wish every sweet nothing you whispered into my ears would ring in my head forever like you've just said them to me. Something quite very impossible.
I'm sorry darling, but I miss you so.
♥
? The tamer my love, the farther away it is from love ¿
I just finished printing your essay. I'll print theirs tomorrow morning. The printer takes forever to print one page.
I like to know that you're near. I like your shirt, I've never seen you in it. You look good actually..well, all the time. But not when you don't get enough sleep & get all grumpy.
Today. First time I met your eyes after so long. The 'bye' in your velvety voice. I hope you know all that meant a lot to me, although it is just a little something.
And I'm sorry for something I/we did but I don't wanna tell you about 'cos you're gonna scream profanities at him again, as usual. Sorry, we did it out of fun & jisiaoing. Oh, and stop it, it's not free loading. I got really pissed off when you say that. It's like in that I can't do anything for you sense. And it is not that..you know it better than anyone else what I've done for you.
Your present's the biggest, fattest & heaviest. I know I am fucking biased but that's because you're special. Although I know you're never a fan of sweets (other than IKnowWhat) & chocolates especially, but I still gave you a lot more than others. I don't know. I even considered buying x x x for you 'cos Jemi suggested so. But I cannot remember the name of it so :/ maybe tmr? heh.
Be near more often from now on, oki?
I think right now you're about 4,092,008 miles away from me. I hope you're safe, and thinking of me.
♥
ily x
? The look in your eyes is you're dying to kiss me ¿
I can't imagine why that would be frustrating at all — just because someone refuses to tell you what they're thinking, even if all the while they're making cryptic little remarks specifically designed to keep you up at night wondering what they could possibly mean... now, why would that be frustrating?
Agree?
Y'know what, as much as I say I am not going to be bothered about you, I hate what you're doing right now. I don't care if you find me a nuisance but if you really think so, look at yourself. You fucking are the moron. Fine by me if you don't wish to care about me, don't wish to be reminded of me, you or us & what we used to do & have. But what you are doing right now, is ruining yourself & your life. Do you remember what we agreed on? I am leading my life like how I used to, 'cept now that I am without you. Maybe happier than before, maybe less happier than before. But I still lead my life normally. So tell me, what are you doing now. Is this your life? Is this leading "life as per normal"? Fucking hell no.
Stop it, I am dead fucking serious. Stop doing what you are doing. Stop fucking yourself up, stop fucking your studies up, stop fucking your life up. You are giving up on yourself, so are your friends. Your friends. He can say "this sem ah, I don't think can have As la" about you already, do you know what the fucking hell does that mean? This is not you. This is not the you I know..
Start being yourself luv, it's making me upset to see you like that :(
x
As he told me what he thinks I should do, his eyes were filled with concern. He helped me by listening to me & help me with what I needed to know most of the time. I saw a different friend in him that I've never met before. It was this part of him that I never though I'd see. I felt unique to have him. A keeper, definitely. xoxo to you :)
Suggestions given? Talk. Set a trap & meet up.
I said yes to none, no to all.
While typing this, and also analyzing what he & she has told me, I've decided that I will do something about it by myself.
This weekend I'll be busy with two essays to complete, two presentations to prepare for, one fucking dumb letter from my parents to Mr Naidu/Wolverine to write, getting 60 goodie bags from Daiso + candycanes, sweets & chocolates from supermarket enough for 60 pax, xmas cards to be sent out, payment in for the girls' xmas gifts (aren't you excited girlies), and xmas gift list to be out.
Tsktsk I foresee a sleepless, draining weekend ahead...
P/s: Look at the time................................
I think I'm afraid to be happy..because whenever I get too happy, something bad always happens.
That made think. Well, not a lot, so not to worry. I was shocked, astonished, stunned, aghast, speechless & completely silent. I couldn't believe my eyes, I have to read it over & over again. I took a screen shot of it. I don't know if that specific someone is me, or if that message was for me. But I secretly hope it is.
I've waited so long, so what's waiting for another forty days? When days turn into months, and months turn into years. I would still be waiting.
To seek closure, or the comfort I've sought in you forty-one days ago?
You hold the decision.
And if I could, I would hold your hand walk through hell & back again just to prove that we can.
With thoughts of you aside, I'll continue to finish up with the assignment.
I'm guessing that you're asleep. Sleep tight darling :) goodnight & i mizz you kthxbai ^^
♥
? It's more than a scar, it's a lifetime you left ¿
I had a extremely tiring day, yet again. I am on my 14th slide of my presentation. My neck is aching, my back bone is breaking, my eyes are tired & painful but before I go to sleep tonight, I wanna pen down these thoughts of mine that ran through my head today.
You, being in one of my favourite top, made me half-smiled to myself while reading New Moon.
I don't understand why I have to do that. It was pointless. And in addition, it was a chance given away. I really don't know why I did that. I ran so fast that I couldn't breathe but I didn't stop. I didn't halt to catch my breathe or even look back. I really wanted to talk to you, this I have to admit. Being with you, in a crowd or somewhere near would be good enough.. So exactly, why did I do what I did?.. I have no idea. I actually blew the chance away, thanks to me. At that moment, I thought I did the right thing. I was happy, thinking that..y'know I'd never get upset over this because this is what friends do, you left me alone all the time, this being not the first time so this was it. But come to think about it, I should've just not do what I did. But what's done is done, no?
So many questions I still have for you. I could talk to you forever, never sleeping, never leaving your side. I could see your face so clearly now… almost hear your voice. And, despite all the heartbreaks & hopelessness, I was hopelessly happy, smiling away. So involved was I in my daydreams, I lost all track of the seconds racing by.
I remember once you said, "What's the point of saying sorry when you've already done it?" I am sorry, & I love you. (Well, if the trick still works..)
P/s: pleaseplease get more sleep, you sure need it more than I do.
P/p/s: pleaseplease start being yourself, you're missed.
P/p/p/s: i have this gut feeling i won't see you tomorrow.
? The way you make me feel will never leave my mind ¿
I know all the things that I've been putting up here are the things that you don't wanna hear, don't wish to know. I put it up here is not to gain sympathy from readers but to be reminded of my feelings, of why am I going through this. I'm telling you now that it was awkward for me. Ill at ease. Very difficult. Uncomfortable. I couldn't breathe right. I was fighting to breathe. I wished I could say something more than just chuckling & go 'Yeh, pathetic right?..' I don't know if I could look into the same pair of eyes ever again. I want to be able to. I want you to look at me in the eye.
I wish you knew I wish you knew I wish you knew I wish you knew I wish you knew I WISH YOU KNEW
So I won't find it so hard to look into your eyes.
So I won't find it so hard to strike a conversation with you.
So I won't have to keep guessing what is on your mind.
So I won't have to avoid you, avoid crossing paths with you.
So I won't be reminded of you all the time, no matter where I am.
So I won't have to imagine your voice, trying to remember how your touch felt like.
So I won't have to go through the album of our photos everyday & think of you.
So I won't have to wonder so much, if you're doing good or are you not.
So I won't have to keep reminding myself that you've forgotten about me & I should do the same. So I won't have to keep reminding myself I won't see me in your eyes anymore. So I won't have to think of you whenever a song comes up.
So I won't speak of you so often to my friends.
So I won't miss you so much.
I am dying to know. Speak to me, please, I'm begging you..
One day when you come to me & play pretense, like you never went away & we keep on loving like before, I will gladly go with your plan. And when I say that I love you, I hope your reply to be, "Could you believe that, despite everything I've put you through, I love you, too?"
? We were covered in love, or maybe the lack thereof ¿
Dear you,
To be honest, no it is not weird. So keep doing it, keep being yourself. I love it when I see your name on my screen. And no it is definitely not weird because this is how I used to feel way back. I hope you feel the same too. I hope you're not doing it for the sake of doing either. I hope you text me because you want to text me & not just anyone. My friends are siding you now, are you happy to know that? They hope to see you again, yknow.
And I want to spend this Christmas with you.
Is it that hard?
Love, G xoxo
-
Dear you,
My heart raced when I walked past you. Just like how it was like right from the beginning. I could feel your eyes on me. I don't know but do you want to talk to me? Do you have something to say? I feel like you do. My friends urged me to let us have a proper talk, face2face after all that I have heard & saw for myself. I know you feel like what is needed to be said has already been said & done but.. I don't know. Your words + actions, they contradict each other.
Please talk to me when you want to, I am always here. (Ask me out I will gladly go out with you kthxbai)
? And I urge you to please notice when you are happy ¿
So Yan finally appeared online after being away from me for one week odd.
I told her about what has been happening, & we spoke of you. You acting weird lately, you not being yourself, you & what you said, you & your thoughts & emotions. Especially the I miss yous said - it brought me nothing but skipped a heart beat. She was happy to hear all of that, not forgetting the fact that she loved us being together, she always thought we were cute. She pasted what you wrote to me & I was shocked, honestly. I don't know what's the conclusion but what I said & what she showed me kinda link to each other? I don't know, & I don't wanna think so much. I've already walked out of this, I don't wanna go back to how I was like few months back. Not forgetting the fear I feel, especially with her around.
We then spoke of you.
The text messages sent, what I've been told, what I saw for myself. It is upsetting..it still is, for me. As much as I appear to look less affected than I really am deep down in front of everyone, it upsets me to know you are not a wee bit happy at all. I wish I could hug you tight, tell you I'm sorry for all of these though I am not to be blamed but still sorry that I left you alone, I wasn't there for you, I said hurtful things to you, I did mean things to tell you that I no longer care the same for you. In actual fact, I still do, & I will never stop caring for you. I will risk it all for you to prove it is true, if only you would let me.
All the I love yous & I miss yous are said but not enough.
So much happened in a week. I feel like a changed person.
I've learned to enjoy being in my own company.
I've been a much stronger girl than before.
I've made you so happy and so sad but which should I be more sorry for?
In my understanding it's when you truly care about a person & would put their priorities above your own, caring for that person, giving & showing them the affection they deserve.. But yet, love is blind & you can never really know what it means.. But that's what I believe it means & I can truly say I love you & mean it with all my heart.
I'm sorry but Edward reminds me so much of you I have to say. The way he is, what he talks about, what he do - it's you that I have in my mind. All the similarities that I can't stop thinking of. And I actually miss you. I can't believe I'm feeling this..
And I feel like a stalker. I recki so much about this eyecandy of ours. I must be crazy. We actually went googoogaga over him, drool over his photoshoots & etc. Time to snap myself back to reality.
"good night , i love you sweet heart"
I love you too bb ^^
♥
? You might think I'm incapable of loving a soul like yours ¿
I am very, very worried about you.
I hope you know what you are doing to yourself. I do not want history to repeat itself. It hurt, it sure did. I hope you remember how much it did so you would start being yourself again. Remember what you told me about working hard & the right to have dreams? Look at you, what are you doing to yourself now?
I still want the best for you, balloons or no balloons.
Especially after hearing what has been happening of recent. You're an opened book but I find you very difficult to read, sometimes. If I could, I would dig out your heart to be impressed by how much you've been hiding from all of us. Time to stop hiding. Aren't you tired of hiding? Let your true self out. Admit your emotions -- be vulnerable for just this once.
But don't you worry, I'm leaving you alone & it is for ever. I do not want to drive you further away than the distance we already have between us now. When you're comfortable enough to stay near, you know where to find me.
I want you to know I am still here whenever you need me..which roughly translated means I would rather die than stay away from you.
And I heard you laughing today. Not once, not twice but several times. Have I not say it frequent enough to you that I'm an addict of your laughter, a devotee of your smile?
Do me a favour: smile only when you truly mean it.
♥
? Just know that I love you, but love's such a simile ¿
Dear, did you know that people love each other, just like we do, just like they do.
# is wondering if she is the one. # is wondering if she is the one.
# is wondering if she is the one. # is wondering if she is the one. # is wondering if she is the one.
You gotta be kidding me. I am fucking fucking speechless. A week ago, you're like that. A week later, you're like this! Omg people change. Drastically, over time. Over the shortest period of time you can ever imagine, I am convinced, for goodness's sake!
School was fine. We were late, as usual. What's new? Jalaini is boring, I'm sorry. I really hate TDMC. Played the dslite, read Twilight. I want a Twiguy! Hahaha this is so random okayyyy. After class was dismissed, we met Shim at Queenstown. Took 195 to Ikea for lunch :) Swedish meatballs, yumyum! We bought cute plushies! We got two each, one for ourselves & one for _. Photos are with Jems, I have yet to take photos of them. Bloody lazy haha. I'll definitely upload some when I've gotten them..
We do the silliest thing all the time. Instead of going into class, 'cos we were late for almost an hour, we stayed outside until it was break time then we went in. Jemi was like "Naidu!! *points*" & we all started running into class. Fucking retarded but this is how we do :) And we think pretty boy thinks we're sick in the head, which is probably why he doesn't wanna strike a convo with us. Boohoo? Nah!
In the midst of the tutorial, Zel called & told me that great-grandma passed away. I was aghast. I did not know how to react. I tried to recollect the memoriesof her but only to find none at all. I only remember times at her place, how I would run far far away from her bigass kitty & all the chinese new year chacha we do. But honestly, it is not that I am mean or what, it is better for her that she is not in discomfort anymore, pretty much at peace I would say. Rest in peace, great-grandma ♥
I went home & had dinner almost immediately. After dinner, I was reading Twilight, then fell asleep unconciously for the next hour before we went out to Ikea for supper. Dad drove us there & we had yummy meatballs, wings & Daim cake :)
Guess who I bumped into!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I saw her backview, I was thinking if I'm in one of my dreams where thick smoke would arise & poof everything's gone when I open my eyes. For the next five minutes, my heart raced like a F1 racer on the tracks. I plunked the courage & walked up front to say hi. When she saw me & went "Glynis!!!!!" with her open arms, I knew right away I missed her a lot. A whole lot more than I thought I did. I also knew right away that my previous assumptions were all made wrongly. No she does not hate me for what I did or what happened. He was there, with his fugly new hairdo (omg prease i am serious when i say you look better with black hair ok do something about it you would look much younger!!), crook-smiling away as he always do. The familiar feeling I feel when I'm with them that I cannot forget. I wish it wouldn't vanish & it would stay longer. We caught up on each other's lives. I was shocked by myself when I said, "Omg I miss y'all so much la.." I totally didn't expect that to come out of me..'cos I really meant it, just never thought I'd actually let these words out. When she told me I was missed by everyone who loved, it felt really nice ^^ Heartwarming, in fact. It was gratifying to know they are both doing fine. They are still the same, cute & loving like an old couple. I told her how I've been thinking of her, how I wish we'd bump into each other or where should I go, where should I be so I'd bump into them. We then spoke of you. And me. And a little of us.
Before I left, I agreed that I'd catch them some time soon to talk more. Probably next Friday, I was planning. School is gonna be plain hell next week, I was reminded. Presentations to prepare, essays to complete & whatnot. Okay school alone is enough to upset me & I'm talking about something really happy right now...
And yes yes, thank youuuuuu for dragging her there ok else we won't bump into each other tonight! My night's a lot brighter & more stars are seen on the dark night sky after I saw you both. I couldn't stop smiling to myself :) And yeh I will heed your advise about weknowwhat, so not to worry! Thanks for telling me about wealsoknowwhat as well. Lovelove x infinity you both!!
On the way home, memories flashed right back to when we first met, how I got to know the two of them, the happier times together, the things we did together & etc. It was like a movie playing in my head. Right up til now, it is still playing. I can't seem to stop it but I could pause at my favourite parts to reminisce a little, be reminded of how happy I used to be when I was with them. And this is how happy I want to be every now & then. I don't know but I'm really happy I bumped into them :)
I tried to keep away from your perfection as much as possible, but I slipped often. Each time, your beauty pierced me through with sadness.
I'm going to bed now, trying hard not to think about what just happened awhile ago. I am still very happy. Goodnight (:
P/s: Yan, call me when you can. You went MIA long enough for me to miss you :(
? Love is the longing for the half of ourselves we have lost ¿
Whenever I close my eyes to pray before I go to bed at night, you'll be in my prayers. I avoided you, I avoided singing to songs we used to sing to, I avoided places that we used to go, I avoided topics we used to talk about, I avoided things that make me think of you, I did everything I could to keep myself away from you & our memories but you are still in my prayers. As much as I wish you were near, you are driving further & further away from me.
Should I be thankful?
I am one step closing to clearing out the drawer of memories I had with you. Remember once I asked if you'd be happy seeing that I've moved on? You wouldn't answer me so I said I'd take your silence as a yes & you said no you didn't say that. I still took it as a yes.
This is what you wanted me to do, I am doing it for you.
? You know I'd give you everything I've got for a little peace of mind ¿
What a way to start the last day of 2008, the eve of the first day of 2009.
Not a fascinating way, but heart warming. Because of you.
The longest & also the best conversation we had. Not better or longer than the ones we had when we were all good. But guess what? I was shaking when you said hello. My palms were perspiring, body shaking, heart racing. I never felt this way after mom & dad left for Beijing. I can always calm myself down easily but this time felt so..different. Why is it so difficult to, I don't know. I thought you were gonna throw into a fit and start being nasty to me but who knew the talk is looking good.
Fucking glad, fucking fucking relieved.
Despite what took place last noon.
Don't blame me for being angry. I mean, natural reaction right? You probably don't give two fucks about it if it were me but because I do, that's why I reacted this way. But then on my way home, I thought if I were in the same position, I'd do the same. I should've understand. My bad.
But I'm all good now, and you know that.
Honestly, I had a lot more than just that to ask you. Like why didn't you ask, why didn't you come, what if I asked you out, do you miss me, do you think of me, do you wish i was right where you were, do you wish i was there to listen to you, do you wish this whole episode didn't took place & all that. I'm sure you can feel it too. I just..didn't have that much amount of courage to ask and not get upset with your reply. Plus you weren't asking me anything, saying you've gotten all the answers you needed..which make me feel like I shouldn't ask too much just so I won't irritate you. Maybe not tonight. I don't know when would I have a chance to talk to you like this again but I hope there will be a chance.
"Be there as much as possible, because that's the only time I can be near you, be close to you, being in your presence, at every possible moment of your life. Is it too big a request?"
Every possible moment of your life.
I wish you were nearer, I wish you were here.
You know I will spill my heart & let the emotions & thoughts of you flow here in my only outlet, any day. If you ever think that no one cares or loves you, please know you still have me darling.
Because I love you too, always have & always will.
♥
I've waited so long to prove that I'm in love with you, will every door that's open lead me straight to you?
I miss you.
And I have been missing you for a while.
Gossip Girl makes me happy, just like how reading Twilight does. And now, New Moon. Though it's kinda boring now 'cos the part I'm reading Edward is not around. I hope he comes back soon to excite things once again.
We were supposed to meet up at 12 for Swensen's at Holland V but apparently our Little Miss Late is still asleep. Yes at 12. I can happily kiss my lunch goodbye now. I was looking forward to it. (insert sad face here)
Last Tuesday of 2008, tomorrow's the last day of 2008.
I am not looking forward to it at all. I don't even have plans. Other than family dinner at Seafood Paradise at Singapore Flyer tomorrow night. After that, I want to have plans!! (inserts frown face here) Jemi is with boyfriend, I bet Shim would be too. So is Yan, defo with M & the sisters. J is being an irritating pest, waiting for me to ask her out while I'm waiting for her to ask me out (HAHAHA). I wonder if Jon, Ted & Merl are going anywhere tomorrow. I think they are. But where I do not know. Wait..why am I worry so much I do not welcome 2009 so I should not countdown & stay home and emo!!
Ok actually I should welcome 2009 because it is gonna be a much better year for me, riiiiight? (inserts happy face here)
Danica & I are complaining how we don't wanna attend today's class but I know you'll be there so I should attend. Recalling what you said to me last night, all the more I should go. I know it is gonna hurt a little when I see VVS40TTNG & not me in the passenger seat but still, I wanna be there at every possible moment in your life.
I'm gonna continue with GG until Jemi calls me.
kz l8r GG + school for naw ^^
? I was just living in the moment & the moment was all about you ¿
Katy Perry - Thinking of You
Comparisons are easily done
Once you've had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one
I still got the seed
You said move on
Where do I go
I guess second best
Is all I will know
Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes
You're like an Indian summer
In the middle of winter
Like a hard candy
With a surprise center How do I get better
Once I've had the best
You said there's
Tons of fish in the water
So the waters I will test
He kissed my lips
I taste your mouth
He pulled me in
I was disgusted with myself
Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into...
You're the best And yes I do regret How I could let myself
Let you go
Now the lesson's learned
I touched it I was burned
Oh I think you should know
Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Oh won't you walk through
And bust in the door
And take me away
Oh no more mistakes
Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay...
x
I think you'd ever only strike a conversation with me when you need my help or thank me for something. So it will start with 'thank you' with your favourite double chin smiley & end with 'welcome' or 'no problem' plus a smiley of my liking.
I'm sure it is not so hard to talk to me.. Or is it really this hard? I guess I made it this hard. I'm sorry.
But tonight I think this is the longest conversation we ever had between us after that we-all-know-because-of-what-stupid-things-I-did conversation. Yay or nay?
Yay for me but nay for you.
x
I like what we have now because there is this home feeling with you, not because of this complicated platonic relationship. I don't wanna go into talking about us again because I know after that you're gonna start behaving all weirdly, tell me things I don't wanna hear or things that would hurt me & the pain would last for a few days. I don't want that to happen. I wanna keep things how we're like now. Close like lovers are but inside, I don't know where your heart lies but I know the home of my heart is your heart.
"Your heart said so."
"No, I'm sure it didn't. Although my heart is nearer to you than it is to me, I am sure it wouldn't say that of you. My heart knows that I love you."
And next? I had to change topic with a snap of my fingers before you start your nonsense again. See how much I don't wanna hear what I don't wanna hear? I really like what we do together. Having plans for the next outing, next next outing, next next next outing just like before. Having plans to meet up with mutual friends for dinner or just to catch up over coffee, shop for the same things together, things you like = things I like, I know what you hate most & vice versa, knowing what each other is craving to have for dinner at that very moment, without having to ask we both know what we're thinking about just by exchanging glances.
You're the lover kind of best friend, the best friend kind of lover.
I don't think I can ever live without you, darling.
♥
I've been trying to cheer you up, put my unhappy self behind so it wouldn't affect your mood at all. And right now, I am so fucking drained. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. Bedtime, g'night xx
? You're what keeps me believing this world's not gone dead ¿
Why can't stop thinking of you, get all breathless when you're near?
I am starting to dislike things that reminds me of you. It's almost everything. What have we not done when we're together. It's the things we do & enjoy together that reminds me of you. They never fail to. I wish they would stop. I wonder how you do it like you do. You go about everyday without a single thought of me, keep laughing & keep being happy with your friends but why can't I?
When we agreed it was lust, that your lips were on mine, I was happy. Now I want it back again. I want that very moment. Every single moment. With you. I'm at my best when I am with you. Why can't you see it?
It's not that I do not want to let go. I want to because I've been upset so long, long enough for a seed to blossom into a beautiful flower & I'm still here missing you, tearing away, watching the clip of happy memories. I don't want to because..because..I don't know. Something stops me, I don't know what is it. Seems like my heart knows you'd come home to me after all, that's why I am not willing to let it go.
You're the reason why I don't wanna leave 2008 for the happy memories we've made & go into 2009 without you at all.
♥
P/s: Happy 19th. Though it was a bad start cos we spoke of her just now. But I love you anywayz.
P/p/s: Tomorrow is going to be better because school + lots of love kissmas lunch with Jems & Shim + Twilight and cheap kopitiam dinner with J :)
P/p/p/s: I am already in the midst of saving up & planning for the surprise, yay or nay?
? But I've been thinking of you, got these far away blues ¿
Tonight was great.
The opera was fabulous, distracted by every thought of you that comes into my head once in awhile. Supper was even better, the happy couple behind reminded me so much of how things used to be.
I find myself thinking of you more when I try not to. The more I tell myself I should have fun tonight because I deserve to, the lesser fun I have. But tonight, I did have fun, going around in the day with thoughts of you running in my head.
To be honest I didn't expected anything 'cept thank yous and more thank yous from you. Well, if that's what you were thinking yknow, I wanted something more more more from you. But no, I don't. I do not. Absolutely. I explain because I want you to know, I want you to understand. I believe somehow you'll get to know it..I don't know how but I'm just hoping someone would tell you about or something. Or, you already know it. I prefer the latter though.
I still miss you..I guess. I don't know but I shouldn't be at all or anymore. Because remember I told _ that I'd get you out of my system after this because I've prayed so much for you & for me, told God what I always wanted, did what I have to and it's been omg-long-enough-fifty-one days, so how long am I expected to stay here for? I know you're worth it, you're worth everything I am doing right now but do you think so?
M & her boyfriend of three years broke up because her boyfriend fell for someone else. So he went with this girl but they didn't work out. So after eight good months, he went back for M. Guess what, M took him in. Still. Yes. She did. A said she was naive to do so, dumb decision. But I said nothing. I've never heard of stories like these. That's why I didn't actually believe that this might happen to me/us after all, or there might be a possibility. So then I wondered if that was gonna happen to me. Or even us. I didn't think M was naive, or was it a dumb decision. Because if G were M, she would have done the same, I thought.
Are we gonna get closure on this, ever? Are we coming out of history already? Are we?
Just three words, my love: you meant everything.
♥
Thinking of a way to get you to stay, & I'll promise to fight the wind & wait for you.
? I'm never going to know you now but I'm going to love you anyhow ¿
Why do I have a strong gut feeling that you met someone new?
It's been draining on me these days but I still stay up and think of you tonight. Well, another miss you nights. The way you looked, the way you smiled, the way you held, the way you did your walk, the way you said thank you, the way you said fuck you. Why can't I not remember so much about you?
I remind myself constantly that when I do all of these for you, you do not know a single thing about it. If you'd get to know about it, you cannot be bothered by it either. You would not feel sorry for me, or even a least bit thankful for all that I've done.
I don't know anything but I know I still want the best for you.
And, I wished you asked. I wished you didn't just reply a simple 'fuck you'. Can I also mention that we were all disappointed that you did not bother to? I wished you remembered what you said the other time. I wished you remember everything like the way I did. I wished you knew how much I've missed & still missing you. I wished you knew your hugs are the warmest in the times of coldness like this. I wished you knew when tears fall your kisses would soothe me in a millisecond. I wished you knew when I need a listener or someone to rant to about my bad day I would think of you as the best candidate to pick from. I wished you knew you're in my prayers every single night. I wished you knew I always love to see your pretty face on my cellphone screen. I wished you knew what I really wish for & want this Christmas. I wished when you look at me it reminds you just as much happy times as it does for me. I wish you would not just stay in this silence but finally break it. I wished you find it hard to look at me in the eye. I wish you would make an effort to take a second look at me. I wish you knew how much I've wished & still wishing for you.
I wished you'd never meet someone like me.
'Cos everything inside it never comes out right & when I see you cry, it makes me wanna die. I'm sorry about all the things I said to you & I know I can't take it back.
? Spoken words like moonlight, you're the voice that I like ¿
"But for now let me say,"
"Without hope or agenda,"
"Just because it's Christmas-" "(And at Christmas you tell the truth)" "To me, you're perfect"
"And my wasted heart will love you"
I think I've held back for long enough, for this "stay happy" period just so I don't break down & cry, feel upset & sorry for myself, keep whispering apologies to you for crying so hard over missing you again.
But tonight, I let the tears ruin my make up, let them smudge, let the mascara run upon hearing what I didn't wanna hear..
Breaking down. Finally.
I hope breaking down this time would be the last time in a long long while. This cry would be a huge ass reminder to how much more stronger I have to be from now on.
x
There's no reason your name should come up on my cell, unless you're in need but that shouldn't be the case on Christmas. I was surprised as I read 'Merry Christmas', yet a little happy at the same time. The same familiar ID photo I attached to your contact in my phone, the same familiar feeling I get whenever I see your name.
I hope tomorrow is going to be a much better day. With all the gifts to be given out & a few to receive, I am looking forward to it. I wanna be happy tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, and every day that follows.
Not another crying night like this, I sure do not need it.
I think I haven't said this to you in a while but I love you, darling.
Forty-nine days of waiting.
One hundred and thirteen days of love.
Five hundred and seventy-seven days of true love & lust.
Which would you pick?
♥
? I haven't told you yet, but I'm going to be with you ¿
Finally, it is the end of my emo gloomy Christmas eve.
So what did I do?
x had very little dinner
x did Naidu's essay
x online shopped
x watched Gossip Girl
x played Facebook games
x Merl came to stayover so we had supper at Ya Kun
x talked to Delon, RachaelG, April & J
x had Haagen Darz ice-cream
x planned tomorrow's itinerary
x cleaned & polished my dslr
x watched The Family Stone
x watched cartoons
x thought of you
Not bad huh at least I finished my essay & finally started on GG. Ya Kun was good, it always have been. Ice-cream was given by Merl. Green Tea flavored. I don't like it. Tomorrow's itinerary is to have cheap & good lunch at Kopitiam, shop for both our presents, have a lot of pictures taken, walk every street with nice Christmas lightings, have pictures taken & feel Christmasy, have a good dinner at a nice (need not be) posh place with super duper good food & lastly head home feeling really happy & have to have enjoyed each other's company. My camera is all set to start work anytime, it's all clean. Watching The Family Stone feels so..awww & so warmth. I like. Cartoons were funny but I didn't laugh 'cos I watched it a few times already. Thinking of you wasn't the best part of it all but it put a smile on my face.
If I could let my feelings out, then I could show you that I have been thinking that we'd have gotten farther if we never even started at all. I wished we hadn't so we could cut all the awkwardness right now.
I took my morning walk, I took my evening walk, I ate something, I thought about something, I wrote, I napped & dreamed something too, & with all that something, I still have nothing because so much of something has always been & always will be you.
I miss you.
I love you like the stars above, I'll love you 'til I die.
♥
? Don't stop calling, you're the reason I love losing sleep ¿
Whatever I've said to you has fallen on deaf ears.
I'm exasperated. Disappointed. So very tired.
Why do you not understand :(
I wanna know why you asked, I wanna ask but I'm afraid of your answer.
x
Last night, I went through my inbox filled of your texts. The one you sent just a month or two back on that very day, the first sentence had tears welled up in both my eyes & when I read them out loud, I was tearing like mad. My voice was trembling with fear, guilt & sadness.
No doubt, every sweet text from you I read did made me smile but the bitterness stayed where my heart is. How can I ever make it go away.. I guess the only time when it will really go away is when you're out of my heart & my mind. I don't know when will be the time but I hope it is real soon. As much as I want to remember this feeling I have for you that I would never feel the same for someone else, I have to because I'm dying to see the real me, the happier me again.
That look into your eyes, I saw sparks that flew. Was it supposed to be this way because you said _ the other time? I was afraid, that was why I looked away. So so afraid, I dare not look at you.
I wish I could still say I'm strong like before but I don't think I am anymore.
"Love you!" rings in my head quite often in your velvety voice of recent..
And that's the only thing you said that I can remember in your voice. I wish I'd record our conversation in the past, so I wouldn't have to miss you so much. I wish every sweet nothing you whispered into my ears would ring in my head forever like you've just said them to me. Something quite very impossible.
I'm sorry darling, but I miss you so.
♥
? The tamer my love, the farther away it is from love ¿
I just finished printing your essay. I'll print theirs tomorrow morning. The printer takes forever to print one page.
I like to know that you're near. I like your shirt, I've never seen you in it. You look good actually..well, all the time. But not when you don't get enough sleep & get all grumpy.
Today. First time I met your eyes after so long. The 'bye' in your velvety voice. I hope you know all that meant a lot to me, although it is just a little something.
And I'm sorry for something I/we did but I don't wanna tell you about 'cos you're gonna scream profanities at him again, as usual. Sorry, we did it out of fun & jisiaoing. Oh, and stop it, it's not free loading. I got really pissed off when you say that. It's like in that I can't do anything for you sense. And it is not that..you know it better than anyone else what I've done for you.
Your present's the biggest, fattest & heaviest. I know I am fucking biased but that's because you're special. Although I know you're never a fan of sweets (other than IKnowWhat) & chocolates especially, but I still gave you a lot more than others. I don't know. I even considered buying x x x for you 'cos Jemi suggested so. But I cannot remember the name of it so :/ maybe tmr? heh.
Be near more often from now on, oki?
I think right now you're about 4,092,008 miles away from me. I hope you're safe, and thinking of me.
♥
ily x
? The look in your eyes is you're dying to kiss me ¿
I can't imagine why that would be frustrating at all — just because someone refuses to tell you what they're thinking, even if all the while they're making cryptic little remarks specifically designed to keep you up at night wondering what they could possibly mean... now, why would that be frustrating?
Agree?
Y'know what, as much as I say I am not going to be bothered about you, I hate what you're doing right now. I don't care if you find me a nuisance but if you really think so, look at yourself. You fucking are the moron. Fine by me if you don't wish to care about me, don't wish to be reminded of me, you or us & what we used to do & have. But what you are doing right now, is ruining yourself & your life. Do you remember what we agreed on? I am leading my life like how I used to, 'cept now that I am without you. Maybe happier than before, maybe less happier than before. But I still lead my life normally. So tell me, what are you doing now. Is this your life? Is this leading "life as per normal"? Fucking hell no.
Stop it, I am dead fucking serious. Stop doing what you are doing. Stop fucking yourself up, stop fucking your studies up, stop fucking your life up. You are giving up on yourself, so are your friends. Your friends. He can say "this sem ah, I don't think can have As la" about you already, do you know what the fucking hell does that mean? This is not you. This is not the you I know..
Start being yourself luv, it's making me upset to see you like that :(
x
As he told me what he thinks I should do, his eyes were filled with concern. He helped me by listening to me & help me with what I needed to know most of the time. I saw a different friend in him that I've never met before. It was this part of him that I never though I'd see. I felt unique to have him. A keeper, definitely. xoxo to you :)
Suggestions given? Talk. Set a trap & meet up.
I said yes to none, no to all.
While typing this, and also analyzing what he & she has told me, I've decided that I will do something about it by myself.
This weekend I'll be busy with two essays to complete, two presentations to prepare for, one fucking dumb letter from my parents to Mr Naidu/Wolverine to write, getting 60 goodie bags from Daiso + candycanes, sweets & chocolates from supermarket enough for 60 pax, xmas cards to be sent out, payment in for the girls' xmas gifts (aren't you excited girlies), and xmas gift list to be out.
Tsktsk I foresee a sleepless, draining weekend ahead...
P/s: Look at the time................................
I think I'm afraid to be happy..because whenever I get too happy, something bad always happens.
That made think. Well, not a lot, so not to worry. I was shocked, astonished, stunned, aghast, speechless & completely silent. I couldn't believe my eyes, I have to read it over & over again. I took a screen shot of it. I don't know if that specific someone is me, or if that message was for me. But I secretly hope it is.
I've waited so long, so what's waiting for another forty days? When days turn into months, and months turn into years. I would still be waiting.
To seek closure, or the comfort I've sought in you forty-one days ago?
You hold the decision.
And if I could, I would hold your hand walk through hell & back again just to prove that we can.
With thoughts of you aside, I'll continue to finish up with the assignment.
I'm guessing that you're asleep. Sleep tight darling :) goodnight & i mizz you kthxbai ^^
♥
? It's more than a scar, it's a lifetime you left ¿
I had a extremely tiring day, yet again. I am on my 14th slide of my presentation. My neck is aching, my back bone is breaking, my eyes are tired & painful but before I go to sleep tonight, I wanna pen down these thoughts of mine that ran through my head today.
You, being in one of my favourite top, made me half-smiled to myself while reading New Moon.
I don't understand why I have to do that. It was pointless. And in addition, it was a chance given away. I really don't know why I did that. I ran so fast that I couldn't breathe but I didn't stop. I didn't halt to catch my breathe or even look back. I really wanted to talk to you, this I have to admit. Being with you, in a crowd or somewhere near would be good enough.. So exactly, why did I do what I did?.. I have no idea. I actually blew the chance away, thanks to me. At that moment, I thought I did the right thing. I was happy, thinking that..y'know I'd never get upset over this because this is what friends do, you left me alone all the time, this being not the first time so this was it. But come to think about it, I should've just not do what I did. But what's done is done, no?
So many questions I still have for you. I could talk to you forever, never sleeping, never leaving your side. I could see your face so clearly now… almost hear your voice. And, despite all the heartbreaks & hopelessness, I was hopelessly happy, smiling away. So involved was I in my daydreams, I lost all track of the seconds racing by.
I remember once you said, "What's the point of saying sorry when you've already done it?" I am sorry, & I love you. (Well, if the trick still works..)
P/s: pleaseplease get more sleep, you sure need it more than I do.
P/p/s: pleaseplease start being yourself, you're missed.
P/p/p/s: i have this gut feeling i won't see you tomorrow.
? The way you make me feel will never leave my mind ¿
I know all the things that I've been putting up here are the things that you don't wanna hear, don't wish to know. I put it up here is not to gain sympathy from readers but to be reminded of my feelings, of why am I going through this. I'm telling you now that it was awkward for me. Ill at ease. Very difficult. Uncomfortable. I couldn't breathe right. I was fighting to breathe. I wished I could say something more than just chuckling & go 'Yeh, pathetic right?..' I don't know if I could look into the same pair of eyes ever again. I want to be able to. I want you to look at me in the eye.
I wish you knew I wish you knew I wish you knew I wish you knew I wish you knew I WISH YOU KNEW
So I won't find it so hard to look into your eyes.
So I won't find it so hard to strike a conversation with you.
So I won't have to keep guessing what is on your mind.
So I won't have to avoid you, avoid crossing paths with you.
So I won't be reminded of you all the time, no matter where I am.
So I won't have to imagine your voice, trying to remember how your touch felt like.
So I won't have to go through the album of our photos everyday & think of you.
So I won't have to wonder so much, if you're doing good or are you not.
So I won't have to keep reminding myself that you've forgotten about me & I should do the same. So I won't have to keep reminding myself I won't see me in your eyes anymore. So I won't have to think of you whenever a song comes up.
So I won't speak of you so often to my friends.
So I won't miss you so much.
I am dying to know. Speak to me, please, I'm begging you..
One day when you come to me & play pretense, like you never went away & we keep on loving like before, I will gladly go with your plan. And when I say that I love you, I hope your reply to be, "Could you believe that, despite everything I've put you through, I love you, too?"
? We were covered in love, or maybe the lack thereof ¿
Dear you,
To be honest, no it is not weird. So keep doing it, keep being yourself. I love it when I see your name on my screen. And no it is definitely not weird because this is how I used to feel way back. I hope you feel the same too. I hope you're not doing it for the sake of doing either. I hope you text me because you want to text me & not just anyone. My friends are siding you now, are you happy to know that? They hope to see you again, yknow.
And I want to spend this Christmas with you.
Is it that hard?
Love, G xoxo
-
Dear you,
My heart raced when I walked past you. Just like how it was like right from the beginning. I could feel your eyes on me. I don't know but do you want to talk to me? Do you have something to say? I feel like you do. My friends urged me to let us have a proper talk, face2face after all that I have heard & saw for myself. I know you feel like what is needed to be said has already been said & done but.. I don't know. Your words + actions, they contradict each other.
Please talk to me when you want to, I am always here. (Ask me out I will gladly go out with you kthxbai)
? And I urge you to please notice when you are happy ¿
So Yan finally appeared online after being away from me for one week odd.
I told her about what has been happening, & we spoke of you. You acting weird lately, you not being yourself, you & what you said, you & your thoughts & emotions. Especially the I miss yous said - it brought me nothing but skipped a heart beat. She was happy to hear all of that, not forgetting the fact that she loved us being together, she always thought we were cute. She pasted what you wrote to me & I was shocked, honestly. I don't know what's the conclusion but what I said & what she showed me kinda link to each other? I don't know, & I don't wanna think so much. I've already walked out of this, I don't wanna go back to how I was like few months back. Not forgetting the fear I feel, especially with her around.
We then spoke of you.
The text messages sent, what I've been told, what I saw for myself. It is upsetting..it still is, for me. As much as I appear to look less affected than I really am deep down in front of everyone, it upsets me to know you are not a wee bit happy at all. I wish I could hug you tight, tell you I'm sorry for all of these though I am not to be blamed but still sorry that I left you alone, I wasn't there for you, I said hurtful things to you, I did mean things to tell you that I no longer care the same for you. In actual fact, I still do, & I will never stop caring for you. I will risk it all for you to prove it is true, if only you would let me.
All the I love yous & I miss yous are said but not enough.
So much happened in a week. I feel like a changed person.
I've learned to enjoy being in my own company.
I've been a much stronger girl than before.
I've made you so happy and so sad but which should I be more sorry for?
In my understanding it's when you truly care about a person & would put their priorities above your own, caring for that person, giving & showing them the affection they deserve.. But yet, love is blind & you can never really know what it means.. But that's what I believe it means & I can truly say I love you & mean it with all my heart.
I'm sorry but Edward reminds me so much of you I have to say. The way he is, what he talks about, what he do - it's you that I have in my mind. All the similarities that I can't stop thinking of. And I actually miss you. I can't believe I'm feeling this..
And I feel like a stalker. I recki so much about this eyecandy of ours. I must be crazy. We actually went googoogaga over him, drool over his photoshoots & etc. Time to snap myself back to reality.
"good night , i love you sweet heart"
I love you too bb ^^
♥
? You might think I'm incapable of loving a soul like yours ¿
I am very, very worried about you.
I hope you know what you are doing to yourself. I do not want history to repeat itself. It hurt, it sure did. I hope you remember how much it did so you would start being yourself again. Remember what you told me about working hard & the right to have dreams? Look at you, what are you doing to yourself now?
I still want the best for you, balloons or no balloons.
Especially after hearing what has been happening of recent. You're an opened book but I find you very difficult to read, sometimes. If I could, I would dig out your heart to be impressed by how much you've been hiding from all of us. Time to stop hiding. Aren't you tired of hiding? Let your true self out. Admit your emotions -- be vulnerable for just this once.
But don't you worry, I'm leaving you alone & it is for ever. I do not want to drive you further away than the distance we already have between us now. When you're comfortable enough to stay near, you know where to find me.
I want you to know I am still here whenever you need me..which roughly translated means I would rather die than stay away from you.
And I heard you laughing today. Not once, not twice but several times. Have I not say it frequent enough to you that I'm an addict of your laughter, a devotee of your smile?
Do me a favour: smile only when you truly mean it.
♥
? Just know that I love you, but love's such a simile ¿
Dear, did you know that people love each other, just like we do, just like they do.
# is wondering if she is the one. # is wondering if she is the one.
# is wondering if she is the one. # is wondering if she is the one. # is wondering if she is the one.
You gotta be kidding me. I am fucking fucking speechless. A week ago, you're like that. A week later, you're like this! Omg people change. Drastically, over time. Over the shortest period of time you can ever imagine, I am convinced, for goodness's sake!
School was fine. We were late, as usual. What's new? Jalaini is boring, I'm sorry. I really hate TDMC. Played the dslite, read Twilight. I want a Twiguy! Hahaha this is so random okayyyy. After class was dismissed, we met Shim at Queenstown. Took 195 to Ikea for lunch :) Swedish meatballs, yumyum! We bought cute plushies! We got two each, one for ourselves & one for _. Photos are with Jems, I have yet to take photos of them. Bloody lazy haha. I'll definitely upload some when I've gotten them..
We do the silliest thing all the time. Instead of going into class, 'cos we were late for almost an hour, we stayed outside until it was break time then we went in. Jemi was like "Naidu!! *points*" & we all started running into class. Fucking retarded but this is how we do :) And we think pretty boy thinks we're sick in the head, which is probably why he doesn't wanna strike a convo with us. Boohoo? Nah!
In the midst of the tutorial, Zel called & told me that great-grandma passed away. I was aghast. I did not know how to react. I tried to recollect the memoriesof her but only to find none at all. I only remember times at her place, how I would run far far away from her bigass kitty & all the chinese new year chacha we do. But honestly, it is not that I am mean or what, it is better for her that she is not in discomfort anymore, pretty much at peace I would say. Rest in peace, great-grandma ♥
I went home & had dinner almost immediately. After dinner, I was reading Twilight, then fell asleep unconciously for the next hour before we went out to Ikea for supper. Dad drove us there & we had yummy meatballs, wings & Daim cake :)
Guess who I bumped into!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I saw her backview, I was thinking if I'm in one of my dreams where thick smoke would arise & poof everything's gone when I open my eyes. For the next five minutes, my heart raced like a F1 racer on the tracks. I plunked the courage & walked up front to say hi. When she saw me & went "Glynis!!!!!" with her open arms, I knew right away I missed her a lot. A whole lot more than I thought I did. I also knew right away that my previous assumptions were all made wrongly. No she does not hate me for what I did or what happened. He was there, with his fugly new hairdo (omg prease i am serious when i say you look better with black hair ok do something about it you would look much younger!!), crook-smiling away as he always do. The familiar feeling I feel when I'm with them that I cannot forget. I wish it wouldn't vanish & it would stay longer. We caught up on each other's lives. I was shocked by myself when I said, "Omg I miss y'all so much la.." I totally didn't expect that to come out of me..'cos I really meant it, just never thought I'd actually let these words out. When she told me I was missed by everyone who loved, it felt really nice ^^ Heartwarming, in fact. It was gratifying to know they are both doing fine. They are still the same, cute & loving like an old couple. I told her how I've been thinking of her, how I wish we'd bump into each other or where should I go, where should I be so I'd bump into them. We then spoke of you. And me. And a little of us.
Before I left, I agreed that I'd catch them some time soon to talk more. Probably next Friday, I was planning. School is gonna be plain hell next week, I was reminded. Presentations to prepare, essays to complete & whatnot. Okay school alone is enough to upset me & I'm talking about something really happy right now...
And yes yes, thank youuuuuu for dragging her there ok else we won't bump into each other tonight! My night's a lot brighter & more stars are seen on the dark night sky after I saw you both. I couldn't stop smiling to myself :) And yeh I will heed your advise about weknowwhat, so not to worry! Thanks for telling me about wealsoknowwhat as well. Lovelove x infinity you both!!
On the way home, memories flashed right back to when we first met, how I got to know the two of them, the happier times together, the things we did together & etc. It was like a movie playing in my head. Right up til now, it is still playing. I can't seem to stop it but I could pause at my favourite parts to reminisce a little, be reminded of how happy I used to be when I was with them. And this is how happy I want to be every now & then. I don't know but I'm really happy I bumped into them :)
I tried to keep away from your perfection as much as possible, but I slipped often. Each time, your beauty pierced me through with sadness.
I'm going to bed now, trying hard not to think about what just happened awhile ago. I am still very happy. Goodnight (:
P/s: Yan, call me when you can. You went MIA long enough for me to miss you :(
? Love is the longing for the half of ourselves we have lost ¿
Whenever I close my eyes to pray before I go to bed at night, you'll be in my prayers. I avoided you, I avoided singing to songs we used to sing to, I avoided places that we used to go, I avoided topics we used to talk about, I avoided things that make me think of you, I did everything I could to keep myself away from you & our memories but you are still in my prayers. As much as I wish you were near, you are driving further & further away from me.
Should I be thankful?
I am one step closing to clearing out the drawer of memories I had with you. Remember once I asked if you'd be happy seeing that I've moved on? You wouldn't answer me so I said I'd take your silence as a yes & you said no you didn't say that. I still took it as a yes.
This is what you wanted me to do, I am doing it for you.
Glynis \g-ly-nis\ pronounced as glare-niece, lived through eighteen years of love, joy & hardship since 200890.
She's currently doing Diploma in Mass Communications in MDIS.
She takes interest in art, fashion, photography & not forgetting, shopping. Her friends & family are her utmost adoration.
She doesn't know what she wants anymore. All she knows is who she wants & it's the one who doesn't want her back.
TKC
? About the Site ¿
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