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Monday, December 8, 2008
? I'm questioning the reason why nothing beautiful does last ¿
I've been trying to throw up for the past few hours & nothing is out yet. I am dying, please leave me here to die. It is not the first time already. The nausea feeling has been here for two weeks but today is the worst. I'm stuck with this feeling for the 5th hour & I've been running to the bathroom, hugging the toilet bowl & keep trying to throw up. I hate this feeling :( It is so horrible.
If it weren't for this, I'd be seen at Zouk's Ready Set Glow or @Play now. =(
Tonight, I got home at 11pm with two Levi's tshirt, the book Twilight (finally), few boxes of Christmas cards & about a hundred bucks poorer. Am still not contented. When mom gets home, I will drag her to Cotton On, F21, Topshop, Zara. I've set my eyes on a few items, heh heh. I can't wait to see what mom got me from the trip! I hope there's fedora, fringe bag (!!), pretty leggings, cute dresses, heels, sneakers & sandals!
Timo's on the phone, it's been long since I last spoke to him hoho. He offered to make breakfast for me tmr & come over some time next week to accompany me! Sweet ;)
I'm gonna try to throw up & turn in for the night, super tired!
P/s: Send me your mailing add, I am going to send out the Christmas cards soon yay!
? Lovely conjunctions & phrases, plays on a few words that you never meant ¿
Love is a dress that you made long to hide your knees.
I don't know what have I done or said to make you feel like I still have hope for us in me but no, I do not. I'm losing hope every single day. With or without you here. Nothing you've done that make me have a little hope or faith at all, and it's true.. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I do not believe you or have trust in what you said but I really have zero hope in us & in you right now. It is something good, isn't it? I'm sure.. At least you don't feel so bad for all that has happened. Your bluntness & coldness towards me is just telling me how you've moved on so fine without me & I should be doing the same. Since you've already let it go, I should too.
I will treat you like a friend, close to a familiar stranger that I've met in my fairytale dream.
Don't forget, I am doing all of these not for myself but for you. Because that's what you want me to do, no? Whether we stay as friends or enemies does not lie in my hands but yours, my dear. Whether we be more than friends or less than that, the decision still lies in you. I am disposable & at your disposal. I'm sorry if I'm reminded of you much too often at one time. As much as I do not want it to, I just..can't help it. I'm sorry I made you my everything & my what's happening. I'm sorry, I love you so much.
And it is always much easier said than done.
Today marks one month since I stepped out of all of these. I must seek closure today, over this issue of ours. It's been bugging me for long enough..
:(
Clubbing or not clubbing or not clubbing or not clubbing or not?
Be back to update more l8r <3
? Am I a part of the cure or am I part of the disease? ¿
You know you're in love when you can say anything to the person & you know they won't laugh at you. When you can see their face when you close your eyes. When you can still feel their arms around you holding you tight long after they are gone. When you can still taste their kiss after you have said goodbye. You can tell you're in love when you miss them before they are gone. When their voice lingers in your ears. When their presence eases any pain. When their name sends chills down your spine. When they are the only thing you can think about. You know you are in love when you can see all their hopes & dreams & their soul when you look into their eyes. When they call you at four in the morning, "I love you" & mean it. When your tears stain not only their shirt, but also their heart. When they are hurt just because of these tears. When even a simple chore done with them can become a lasting memory. Ultimately, you know you are in love when you can't imagine living without them, & can't figure how did you live before you knew them. When they fulfill every need & without them you are incomplete. The love of someone else completes the heart, & sound & mind all at once.
---
Have fun J, your well-deserved break is finally here. Set yourself free, allow no disturbance but always remember that someone loves you & never forget the route that leads you back home. Be home soon =)
Mom, Dad, have fun. I know without me to say you guys are definitely going to have fun. First trip without us, why not? Remember to bring back the goodies I told you to ok! Don't forget about what I asked you to buy. Heh heh thanks for the money! And don't you worry about us, I promise we'll be more than just fine. Love you both :)
Tomorrow when I wake, J would be on the plane. Mom & dad would be at work. By 3pm, they'd be on the plane. At night when I get home, three people who played a big part in my life are gone. I can't believe it but I have to accept it. J is gone for eight days, while mom & dad will be back two days before she does. But I'll be just fine. April's coming over on Thursday. Friday, Saturday & hopefully Sunday, I have Yan & M to entertain. They are staying over I think. Yan will make everything good again, just like how _ used to. So alike that sometimes I get so fucking scared history repeats itself. I don't know..
I'm turning in. There's class early tomorrow & tomorrow's a full day. G'night.. Pray hard I do not cry myself to sleep again tonight.
And I love you. Please be reminded of me all the time.
? You blew my mind, left me behind, & now I'm living in your past ¿
You say you don't see any part of me to love in all this mess.
I thought I'd find peace on a cold, rainy Sunday. But calm isn't the word to describe how I've been feeling all day. When I woke up, I felt really horrible from what I read last night. I wish I didn't open it up so I won't have to read it. What's done, cannot be undone so.. Whatever, I just gotta get over it. I don't want having to feel like shit all the time..
I guess one of the reasons why I cannot let it go is because it may never come back. Or rather I know it will never come back & I really want it to come back so I cannot afford to just let it go. I don't know. But letting go is the only thing to do right now, I guess?
"To be honest, I'm not sure about this whole scared of commitment business. I think it's become too handy, a useful phrase that men can bandy about whenever they feel like being assholes. And sure, I do believe there are some men who are genuinely terrified of commitment, but there aren't that many, and for the most part I think it's that they haven't met the right woman yet. Because if a man, no matter how scared he professed to be, met the woman of his dreams, he wouldn't want to let her go, would he? And sure, he might not want to actually get married, but if he were madly in love & risked losing her, he'd do it, wouldn't he? That's what I think, anyway."
(Mr Maybe, by Jane Green)
I spoke a lot about you, moving on & letting go today. First was to Michy, then to J & now to April. I was tearing when I talked to Michy. It happens whenever I speak of you, I just can't help it. I was crying buckets when I talked to J. I blurted things out that I never thought I would, ever until I am over this. When I talked to April, heart's a bit heavy but still alright. Not sobbing, or tearing.
Few days back, mom & I were texting & she sent me another text while I was replying to her previous text. I didn't want to send another text to make it so confusing so I went to read it first. It reads: "4got to tell u, mummy love you so much." I was in the train & I couldn't stop crying. I really love mom though at times she's so hateable & in the past, I used to write a lot about how much I hate my mom & my family. I've always wanted to tell her all that has been happening the past two weeks 'cos I remember when I was going through this moving on ordeal over Xav, my mom was there & she helped me through it bit by bit. I replied her telling her that I was going through a rough patch & as much as I want to tell her & seek comfort, I don't want her to worry about me & at the same time, I don't want to let her down. I told her I am a strong girl & this will get by, I will be able to make it there. And I also told her that I really love her a lot.
And now mom got to know about everything already. Thanks to we-all-know-who-would-do-such-a-thing. I teared (again. I'm sorry that I am a cry baby ok I don't have a choice!) the instant I heard about it. The reason why I kept it from her 'cos I still want to appear strong in front of her. I wonder what she was in her mind when she got to know about it. I don't want her to confront me but I want her comfort. I talked about you to her just now before dinner then she was like, "You & * ok right.. Never go out already ah?" I hid away from her eyes & told her yeh we're good, not going out as often as we used to, that's all. We're both too busy with school & etc, so we don't go out so often. She doesn't wanna see me sad & I know she has my interest at heart. I just don't wanna disappoint her & show her that I'm vulnerable.. I don't know but I love you mom, and that's why I cannot bring myself to let you down.
I was this close to put up one of my favourite photobooth photo of ours as my desktop wallpaper. But I hesitated. I don't want to put up photos of times I used to be so happy when I am not anymore, right now. It makes me feel worse.
Why won't you find me somewhere & we can kiss like I always wanted to kiss you? Appear at my lift lobby like you used to. We'll take many lift rides as you want & I'd be sure to give you more than just one kiss. Let me forget that we were never meant to be & you are no longer my somebody, let me forget that you've long forgotten about me.
Day sixteen: You're turning into this cold monster I've never met before. Miss you, anyway.
P/s: School tomorrow & I have nothing packed. So dead. Effin' lazy. I shall do it all tomorrow. Off to call Yan! (L)
We used to talk about everything & now it's almost impossible to have a decent conversation with you.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY YAN (L)(L)(L) !!!
I know how much you dread this but face it, you're finally 20 already :D I hope the surprise was a great one. Tell me about it when you're back! We'll meet up for dindin next week ok? And also, thanks for everything. From listening to me bawl & cry like some fucktard to listening to me go on & on about how amazing * is <3 :)
It's kinda like, the difference between putting my own hand on my knee, & you putting your hand on my knee. When I touch my knee, I don't feel it. Nothing happens. It is just.. there. But when I have your hands on mine, I feel everything. Every move of your palm, every squeeze of your hand, & every brush of your finger, & I feel it right down to my toes & up to your neck, everything in my body tingles,but it's the most wonderful thing ever.Every move you make makes a difference.
I've been on Pet Society all day. It's damn fun! Super addictive. I'm at level 31 already. I went up about 10 levels today. Muahahaha I got no life. Supposed to go Ikea but the heavy downpour caused us to cancel our plans for the day. :( I thought we could go hkcafe for supper but the rain did not stop! Ugh this sucks.. Butbutbut I'm meeting Ray tomorrow! Though everything's not confirm yet but still. I'm finally going out of the house & out of Pet Society for awhile :D
You know you really love someone when you don't hate them for breaking your heart. And it's true. I never really hated you for doing all these, causing all the heartbreak & such. At least you were honest enough with me. At least we both spoke up & I'm glad things between us are somewhat fine for now. At least you know how much I wanted this to work & how much I love you. I'd be lying if I said I stopped thinking about you, I'm not missing you at all, the urge to hold you is no longer here or I do not love you the same like before. During the day, I forget to miss you for hours at a time. But I always remember at night. Always. I turn on the radio, the television & iTunes on my lappy to block out thoughts of you & us. I keep telling myself that I'd do fine alone 'cos I do not want to breakdown & hurt myself like I always do when I'm reminded that I'm alone. How fucking scared I was, you have no frikkin' idea. I wondered how in the past when you were away or busy I never felt so alone. Then I figured that in my mind I knew you'd always be there, you're always next to me. One text or call from me & you'd definitely drop everything you're doing on hand to give me your 101% attention. I really miss that feeling..
I thought I wouldn't mention you in this entry today. Sigh, I guess all these feelings only come at night.
You always say, anything for you dear =) Do you remember?
? Your head is hanging trying to beat those goodbye blues ¿
I'm a lot better today than every other day. I deserve a pat on my shoulders & a beeg hug :) I just hope this feeling lasts for long. Mom was looking at how I played Pet Society all day with the iTunes on & the telly on. And she said I'm childish!! :( We had Gelare waffles for supper again tonight. It was good. Tomorrow I'll go have fun with Zel & Che!
Sometimes you need a second chance because you weren't quite ready for your first.
I often wonder if the second chance was worthy or do we even need it or should we just forgo it & move on with our lives like how we are already trying to do? Do I even deserve the second chance?
***
After all my time here on this earth, I've learned a few things. But above all things, I've learned that you will know when you're in love. You'll feel it. And trust me, the one you love will never hurt you.Never.He will always be there for you no matter what. Sometimes you don't realize how much you really love him until you really think about it, but once you find these feelings, there's nothing that could possibly take them away. Not the biggest storm of the century, not miles, not someone else, not family, not age, nothing.Love can never be taken away.
We were on the bus & I was leaning on your chest, trying so hard to sleep. You were breathing deeply, slowly, and your heart was beating fast. All I could do was count the beats. Wondering what was in your heart, wondering who was on your mind..
You wouldn't be paying attention, so I'd just stop & stare. Everything you do, whether you mean to do it or not, it makes me love you even more. You'd notice me watching & smile or make a silly face at me. You'd hit my knee & grab my hand. You'd lace my fingers with yours, you'd play with my hands & tell me how fair as sheet I am. You'd make fun of me & we'd hit each other while we fought about who was better. You would refuse my money, but I'd always sneak it into your pocket when you weren't looking. You'd try to sneak it back, but I was always too smart for you. You snuck up behind me, you tickled me & you made me go down to meet my mom. You dragged me down the hall while I was screaming, saying I didn't want to go. You made sure I didn't get in any trouble. You looked out for me.Things were perfect. I could not come close to asking for more.
Being friends with someone you would rather be in love with is like being invited behind the barn "to look at the stars" & only looking at the stars. Somehow I wish you knew how hard it is to keep pretending like all that we had was nothing at all. Like it was all a good dream.
"Do whatever that makes you feel better?"
"You know what? What that makes me feel better is what that makes me the way I am right now. Same person, same thing."
Oh, one more thing before you leave, just the thought of you makes my heart soar. :)
? But I'm trying not to ruin the one thing I believe in - you ¿
Dear Valentine, come away with me. If I had a day with you and you only, I would enjoy the simple things. The things that, in the end, when time steals the rest away, are the only things we'll remember. I would paddle you across a still lake in a rowboat and read poetry to you until you fall asleep and I would never think about the hours.
Dear Valentine, if I had one day with you and you only... I would admire every line of your face, every strand of your hair... Every graceful movement of your hands or your eyes or your body. If I had one perfect day...Don't you see? My heart beats only for you.
Dear Valentine, these are the things I remember of my love. A warm hand, a warm breath. Your warm mouth. Your arms around mine... I remember feeling safe, cease-less. Like one person. The two of us still, at rest, entwined... I remember how I felt the first time I kissed you. It felt like the high dive. What do you remember? How will I ever know what was inside your heart? Where did they go? All the things we think and feel but don't say.
Dear Valentine... These are the things I never told you. These are the things I need you to know. That I loved you always. And my love was so big, it lives still after you're gone. I'd like to tell you that I would do it differently. That if I had one more day I would do everything right. But I know that isn't true. I'd make all the same mistakes. That is except one. I wouldn't say goodbye.
xo, Glynis♥
I spent the entire day at home, watching videos, talking to mummy. And I have plans lined up all week. Tomorrow I'll be meeting Ray for Starbucks. Wednesday, I have doctor's appointment with mom. Thursday, Quantum of Solace preview with Ray!! Free on Friday. Family dinner on Saturday. Family gathering on Sunday. Ta-dahhhh~ (:
Emotions take over; you'll discover you're not in control anymore.
I'm at Cycle 3, Episode 7 right now :D
I stayed in & watched ANTM all day. It was fucking bored, I swear. Dying to have someone to just take me out, ugh.
Haven't you heard of the phrase 'Never judge a book by its cover'? Since you're so eager to know & so fucking nosy, I will tell you.
WE ARE NOT TOGETHER.
So for God's sake, stop bitching about me behind my back.
Got somethin' to say? Bring it up to my face.
Thank you.
/End of speech
Some people are just damn annoying & they obviously know who they are. They should really mind their own business. Got an O'level paper to study for? PLEASE DO SO.
Putting that aside, (don't let it ruin my mood further) here's an interesting video that Ray told me about & showed me!
Had dinner at Singapore Swimming Club! Mm shared yang chou chao fan with Zel <3 <3 <3 I love fried rice! Zetaime is damn cute, I cannot get over it. I'll be posting up her photos soon!
Tomorrow = Lunch + gym with J, HSM3 + dinner with Ray & Zel <3 PERFECT DAY!
"So please don't say you're proud of me when I've lost my way."
"Then can I say, 'I couldn't get my mind off you all day?'"
? I should have been trying to prove, that you were all that mattered to me ¿
'Cause I can't seem to fill this void, since you went away.
Happy birthday Qiaos :)
Much love!
I spent the entire day at home, I didn't even step a foot out of the house at all. I was so bored, I..
+ rearranged all my accessories
+ trimmed my nails
+ repainted my nails
+ took out some clothes that I do not want anymore
+ wanted to watch Lword but it took forever to load so I watched America's Next Top Model (and still watching..) instead
+ texted all day
+ had Jay Chou's new album playing in the stereo all day
+ played Facebook games!
Me in my geeky specs!
And I've decided that I'm moving on.
I'm taking away the rear view mirror. I'm not gonna look back anymore but keep going forward instead. Within next two days, I'm keeping away things that would remind me of you. I've done this so many times before, why can't I do it this time? If she can do it, why can't I? Since you're moving on fine, I should be too.
Oh and that would be the last time you see your name up here.
I'm sorry.
I can say it a million times but it will not make you feel better or make you believe that what I've told you really came from the heart. I'm sorry for the confusion. I don't know how much time do I need but I promise I won't take up too much time before I be myself again.
And thank you for staying by my side throughout all these time <3
On a lighter note, House Bunny tomorrow with Ray :) Yay! Magic sushi is back *winks* I feel like eating Subway tomorrow!! Hehe I shall go continue with my ANTM!
I've wasted so much time on you, goodbye it's time for something new.
I wonder if you’re happy, or just glad to see me scarred.
Time for a proper update?
My eyes are still puffy from crying last night. I did it again this morning during shower. Pain enough just by thinking about it. I will be okay, I convinced myself that I really will.
While I put these all aside, I'm going to enjoy my lovely Sunday. Find some peace and love in it, hopefully joy as well. Meeting the seller later to get my DSLR. I'm not that excited anymore. It was meant to be my 18th birthday present from her.. And after meeting him, probably meeting up with Ray. I hope these all are going to make me feel better at the end of the day.
I'm putting away the watch, the rings, the key chain, the lanyard, the photos & everything else that has got to do with her or reminds me of her in a way or another. I just wanna let everything go and concentrate solely on studies, friends & family. I just wanna make some time for myself. I haven't done that in a long time. Now that I'm not tied down anymore, I should enjoy the freedom while I still can. But when Wednesday comes, it's doomsday.
What the fuck is a break for when we're texting each other?
It is called a fucking break cos we need time away from each other, no?
Forgetting is hard when you’re the only one that made things easy; you’re the only one that eases me.
? What is simple in the moonlight, by the morning never is ¿
Before I let you go, give me just one more night to show you just how I feel.
I went on webcam with the girlfriend this afternoon :)
Yeh, you'd realise she didn't do other faces other that that smiley showing all her white pearlies.
I thought we were gonna stay in all day but who knew! Mummy's new television set came early so dad asked me to book tickets for a movie. Yay!!
It's a good movie. I cried at the last part. It's so sad. I get very emotional when it comes to elderly or family stuff. :/
After the movie, mom wanted to consult doctor so we went to Rivervale Plaza. Had our dinner there. It's more like supper, seriously. I had a cheeseburger & I felt like dying. So fat :( I saw Corinne there with Juliet & her other friends! Haha, I didn't say hi though. Shy hehehe!
I'll give you my whole heart to hold as your keepsake.
Sunday, family gathering + my advanced birthday celebration!
I was so happy to know that Che + aunts + the j sisters are coming over!!
We hogged on the net for hours. Zel suggested to get a cake which I kinda didn't want one but whatever, it's okay they got it anyway. We got a mango cake from Bangawansolo! After that, we went back home & had dinner.
After dinner, we gathered at the living hall to watch the fight between Singapore & China. Well, least we got a silver. We should be glad :) Aunt wanted to get home quick so we sang the birthday song with the cake & all. I was in pjs & mom insisted that we should take a photo :( I didn't upload it, neither am I going to publish it here. I look hideous!
It was a wonderful Sunday, I cannot deny :)
Monday, intensive mugging session alone!
I'm so glad I'm home today, which kept Gran to stay for one more night. I love having her around. The way she talks can really crack me up. I'm taking a break now, gonna accompany Gran in the room later to watch some telly.
Gran was playing the com just now & she asked, 'Why you keep doing work? You got so much homework meh?' I was stunned by her question. Mom heard her & came in, she said, 'Mom, she's having her exam tomorrow'. Opps! Hahaha
? I'm questioning the reason why nothing beautiful does last ¿
I've been trying to throw up for the past few hours & nothing is out yet. I am dying, please leave me here to die. It is not the first time already. The nausea feeling has been here for two weeks but today is the worst. I'm stuck with this feeling for the 5th hour & I've been running to the bathroom, hugging the toilet bowl & keep trying to throw up. I hate this feeling :( It is so horrible.
If it weren't for this, I'd be seen at Zouk's Ready Set Glow or @Play now. =(
Tonight, I got home at 11pm with two Levi's tshirt, the book Twilight (finally), few boxes of Christmas cards & about a hundred bucks poorer. Am still not contented. When mom gets home, I will drag her to Cotton On, F21, Topshop, Zara. I've set my eyes on a few items, heh heh. I can't wait to see what mom got me from the trip! I hope there's fedora, fringe bag (!!), pretty leggings, cute dresses, heels, sneakers & sandals!
Timo's on the phone, it's been long since I last spoke to him hoho. He offered to make breakfast for me tmr & come over some time next week to accompany me! Sweet ;)
I'm gonna try to throw up & turn in for the night, super tired!
P/s: Send me your mailing add, I am going to send out the Christmas cards soon yay!
? Lovely conjunctions & phrases, plays on a few words that you never meant ¿
Love is a dress that you made long to hide your knees.
I don't know what have I done or said to make you feel like I still have hope for us in me but no, I do not. I'm losing hope every single day. With or without you here. Nothing you've done that make me have a little hope or faith at all, and it's true.. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I do not believe you or have trust in what you said but I really have zero hope in us & in you right now. It is something good, isn't it? I'm sure.. At least you don't feel so bad for all that has happened. Your bluntness & coldness towards me is just telling me how you've moved on so fine without me & I should be doing the same. Since you've already let it go, I should too.
I will treat you like a friend, close to a familiar stranger that I've met in my fairytale dream.
Don't forget, I am doing all of these not for myself but for you. Because that's what you want me to do, no? Whether we stay as friends or enemies does not lie in my hands but yours, my dear. Whether we be more than friends or less than that, the decision still lies in you. I am disposable & at your disposal. I'm sorry if I'm reminded of you much too often at one time. As much as I do not want it to, I just..can't help it. I'm sorry I made you my everything & my what's happening. I'm sorry, I love you so much.
And it is always much easier said than done.
Today marks one month since I stepped out of all of these. I must seek closure today, over this issue of ours. It's been bugging me for long enough..
:(
Clubbing or not clubbing or not clubbing or not clubbing or not?
Be back to update more l8r <3
? Am I a part of the cure or am I part of the disease? ¿
You know you're in love when you can say anything to the person & you know they won't laugh at you. When you can see their face when you close your eyes. When you can still feel their arms around you holding you tight long after they are gone. When you can still taste their kiss after you have said goodbye. You can tell you're in love when you miss them before they are gone. When their voice lingers in your ears. When their presence eases any pain. When their name sends chills down your spine. When they are the only thing you can think about. You know you are in love when you can see all their hopes & dreams & their soul when you look into their eyes. When they call you at four in the morning, "I love you" & mean it. When your tears stain not only their shirt, but also their heart. When they are hurt just because of these tears. When even a simple chore done with them can become a lasting memory. Ultimately, you know you are in love when you can't imagine living without them, & can't figure how did you live before you knew them. When they fulfill every need & without them you are incomplete. The love of someone else completes the heart, & sound & mind all at once.
---
Have fun J, your well-deserved break is finally here. Set yourself free, allow no disturbance but always remember that someone loves you & never forget the route that leads you back home. Be home soon =)
Mom, Dad, have fun. I know without me to say you guys are definitely going to have fun. First trip without us, why not? Remember to bring back the goodies I told you to ok! Don't forget about what I asked you to buy. Heh heh thanks for the money! And don't you worry about us, I promise we'll be more than just fine. Love you both :)
Tomorrow when I wake, J would be on the plane. Mom & dad would be at work. By 3pm, they'd be on the plane. At night when I get home, three people who played a big part in my life are gone. I can't believe it but I have to accept it. J is gone for eight days, while mom & dad will be back two days before she does. But I'll be just fine. April's coming over on Thursday. Friday, Saturday & hopefully Sunday, I have Yan & M to entertain. They are staying over I think. Yan will make everything good again, just like how _ used to. So alike that sometimes I get so fucking scared history repeats itself. I don't know..
I'm turning in. There's class early tomorrow & tomorrow's a full day. G'night.. Pray hard I do not cry myself to sleep again tonight.
And I love you. Please be reminded of me all the time.
? You blew my mind, left me behind, & now I'm living in your past ¿
You say you don't see any part of me to love in all this mess.
I thought I'd find peace on a cold, rainy Sunday. But calm isn't the word to describe how I've been feeling all day. When I woke up, I felt really horrible from what I read last night. I wish I didn't open it up so I won't have to read it. What's done, cannot be undone so.. Whatever, I just gotta get over it. I don't want having to feel like shit all the time..
I guess one of the reasons why I cannot let it go is because it may never come back. Or rather I know it will never come back & I really want it to come back so I cannot afford to just let it go. I don't know. But letting go is the only thing to do right now, I guess?
"To be honest, I'm not sure about this whole scared of commitment business. I think it's become too handy, a useful phrase that men can bandy about whenever they feel like being assholes. And sure, I do believe there are some men who are genuinely terrified of commitment, but there aren't that many, and for the most part I think it's that they haven't met the right woman yet. Because if a man, no matter how scared he professed to be, met the woman of his dreams, he wouldn't want to let her go, would he? And sure, he might not want to actually get married, but if he were madly in love & risked losing her, he'd do it, wouldn't he? That's what I think, anyway."
(Mr Maybe, by Jane Green)
I spoke a lot about you, moving on & letting go today. First was to Michy, then to J & now to April. I was tearing when I talked to Michy. It happens whenever I speak of you, I just can't help it. I was crying buckets when I talked to J. I blurted things out that I never thought I would, ever until I am over this. When I talked to April, heart's a bit heavy but still alright. Not sobbing, or tearing.
Few days back, mom & I were texting & she sent me another text while I was replying to her previous text. I didn't want to send another text to make it so confusing so I went to read it first. It reads: "4got to tell u, mummy love you so much." I was in the train & I couldn't stop crying. I really love mom though at times she's so hateable & in the past, I used to write a lot about how much I hate my mom & my family. I've always wanted to tell her all that has been happening the past two weeks 'cos I remember when I was going through this moving on ordeal over Xav, my mom was there & she helped me through it bit by bit. I replied her telling her that I was going through a rough patch & as much as I want to tell her & seek comfort, I don't want her to worry about me & at the same time, I don't want to let her down. I told her I am a strong girl & this will get by, I will be able to make it there. And I also told her that I really love her a lot.
And now mom got to know about everything already. Thanks to we-all-know-who-would-do-such-a-thing. I teared (again. I'm sorry that I am a cry baby ok I don't have a choice!) the instant I heard about it. The reason why I kept it from her 'cos I still want to appear strong in front of her. I wonder what she was in her mind when she got to know about it. I don't want her to confront me but I want her comfort. I talked about you to her just now before dinner then she was like, "You & * ok right.. Never go out already ah?" I hid away from her eyes & told her yeh we're good, not going out as often as we used to, that's all. We're both too busy with school & etc, so we don't go out so often. She doesn't wanna see me sad & I know she has my interest at heart. I just don't wanna disappoint her & show her that I'm vulnerable.. I don't know but I love you mom, and that's why I cannot bring myself to let you down.
I was this close to put up one of my favourite photobooth photo of ours as my desktop wallpaper. But I hesitated. I don't want to put up photos of times I used to be so happy when I am not anymore, right now. It makes me feel worse.
Why won't you find me somewhere & we can kiss like I always wanted to kiss you? Appear at my lift lobby like you used to. We'll take many lift rides as you want & I'd be sure to give you more than just one kiss. Let me forget that we were never meant to be & you are no longer my somebody, let me forget that you've long forgotten about me.
Day sixteen: You're turning into this cold monster I've never met before. Miss you, anyway.
P/s: School tomorrow & I have nothing packed. So dead. Effin' lazy. I shall do it all tomorrow. Off to call Yan! (L)
We used to talk about everything & now it's almost impossible to have a decent conversation with you.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY YAN (L)(L)(L) !!!
I know how much you dread this but face it, you're finally 20 already :D I hope the surprise was a great one. Tell me about it when you're back! We'll meet up for dindin next week ok? And also, thanks for everything. From listening to me bawl & cry like some fucktard to listening to me go on & on about how amazing * is <3 :)
It's kinda like, the difference between putting my own hand on my knee, & you putting your hand on my knee. When I touch my knee, I don't feel it. Nothing happens. It is just.. there. But when I have your hands on mine, I feel everything. Every move of your palm, every squeeze of your hand, & every brush of your finger, & I feel it right down to my toes & up to your neck, everything in my body tingles,but it's the most wonderful thing ever.Every move you make makes a difference.
I've been on Pet Society all day. It's damn fun! Super addictive. I'm at level 31 already. I went up about 10 levels today. Muahahaha I got no life. Supposed to go Ikea but the heavy downpour caused us to cancel our plans for the day. :( I thought we could go hkcafe for supper but the rain did not stop! Ugh this sucks.. Butbutbut I'm meeting Ray tomorrow! Though everything's not confirm yet but still. I'm finally going out of the house & out of Pet Society for awhile :D
You know you really love someone when you don't hate them for breaking your heart. And it's true. I never really hated you for doing all these, causing all the heartbreak & such. At least you were honest enough with me. At least we both spoke up & I'm glad things between us are somewhat fine for now. At least you know how much I wanted this to work & how much I love you. I'd be lying if I said I stopped thinking about you, I'm not missing you at all, the urge to hold you is no longer here or I do not love you the same like before. During the day, I forget to miss you for hours at a time. But I always remember at night. Always. I turn on the radio, the television & iTunes on my lappy to block out thoughts of you & us. I keep telling myself that I'd do fine alone 'cos I do not want to breakdown & hurt myself like I always do when I'm reminded that I'm alone. How fucking scared I was, you have no frikkin' idea. I wondered how in the past when you were away or busy I never felt so alone. Then I figured that in my mind I knew you'd always be there, you're always next to me. One text or call from me & you'd definitely drop everything you're doing on hand to give me your 101% attention. I really miss that feeling..
I thought I wouldn't mention you in this entry today. Sigh, I guess all these feelings only come at night.
You always say, anything for you dear =) Do you remember?
? Your head is hanging trying to beat those goodbye blues ¿
I'm a lot better today than every other day. I deserve a pat on my shoulders & a beeg hug :) I just hope this feeling lasts for long. Mom was looking at how I played Pet Society all day with the iTunes on & the telly on. And she said I'm childish!! :( We had Gelare waffles for supper again tonight. It was good. Tomorrow I'll go have fun with Zel & Che!
Sometimes you need a second chance because you weren't quite ready for your first.
I often wonder if the second chance was worthy or do we even need it or should we just forgo it & move on with our lives like how we are already trying to do? Do I even deserve the second chance?
***
After all my time here on this earth, I've learned a few things. But above all things, I've learned that you will know when you're in love. You'll feel it. And trust me, the one you love will never hurt you.Never.He will always be there for you no matter what. Sometimes you don't realize how much you really love him until you really think about it, but once you find these feelings, there's nothing that could possibly take them away. Not the biggest storm of the century, not miles, not someone else, not family, not age, nothing.Love can never be taken away.
We were on the bus & I was leaning on your chest, trying so hard to sleep. You were breathing deeply, slowly, and your heart was beating fast. All I could do was count the beats. Wondering what was in your heart, wondering who was on your mind..
You wouldn't be paying attention, so I'd just stop & stare. Everything you do, whether you mean to do it or not, it makes me love you even more. You'd notice me watching & smile or make a silly face at me. You'd hit my knee & grab my hand. You'd lace my fingers with yours, you'd play with my hands & tell me how fair as sheet I am. You'd make fun of me & we'd hit each other while we fought about who was better. You would refuse my money, but I'd always sneak it into your pocket when you weren't looking. You'd try to sneak it back, but I was always too smart for you. You snuck up behind me, you tickled me & you made me go down to meet my mom. You dragged me down the hall while I was screaming, saying I didn't want to go. You made sure I didn't get in any trouble. You looked out for me.Things were perfect. I could not come close to asking for more.
Being friends with someone you would rather be in love with is like being invited behind the barn "to look at the stars" & only looking at the stars. Somehow I wish you knew how hard it is to keep pretending like all that we had was nothing at all. Like it was all a good dream.
"Do whatever that makes you feel better?"
"You know what? What that makes me feel better is what that makes me the way I am right now. Same person, same thing."
Oh, one more thing before you leave, just the thought of you makes my heart soar. :)
? But I'm trying not to ruin the one thing I believe in - you ¿
Dear Valentine, come away with me. If I had a day with you and you only, I would enjoy the simple things. The things that, in the end, when time steals the rest away, are the only things we'll remember. I would paddle you across a still lake in a rowboat and read poetry to you until you fall asleep and I would never think about the hours.
Dear Valentine, if I had one day with you and you only... I would admire every line of your face, every strand of your hair... Every graceful movement of your hands or your eyes or your body. If I had one perfect day...Don't you see? My heart beats only for you.
Dear Valentine, these are the things I remember of my love. A warm hand, a warm breath. Your warm mouth. Your arms around mine... I remember feeling safe, cease-less. Like one person. The two of us still, at rest, entwined... I remember how I felt the first time I kissed you. It felt like the high dive. What do you remember? How will I ever know what was inside your heart? Where did they go? All the things we think and feel but don't say.
Dear Valentine... These are the things I never told you. These are the things I need you to know. That I loved you always. And my love was so big, it lives still after you're gone. I'd like to tell you that I would do it differently. That if I had one more day I would do everything right. But I know that isn't true. I'd make all the same mistakes. That is except one. I wouldn't say goodbye.
xo, Glynis♥
I spent the entire day at home, watching videos, talking to mummy. And I have plans lined up all week. Tomorrow I'll be meeting Ray for Starbucks. Wednesday, I have doctor's appointment with mom. Thursday, Quantum of Solace preview with Ray!! Free on Friday. Family dinner on Saturday. Family gathering on Sunday. Ta-dahhhh~ (:
Emotions take over; you'll discover you're not in control anymore.
I'm at Cycle 3, Episode 7 right now :D
I stayed in & watched ANTM all day. It was fucking bored, I swear. Dying to have someone to just take me out, ugh.
Haven't you heard of the phrase 'Never judge a book by its cover'? Since you're so eager to know & so fucking nosy, I will tell you.
WE ARE NOT TOGETHER.
So for God's sake, stop bitching about me behind my back.
Got somethin' to say? Bring it up to my face.
Thank you.
/End of speech
Some people are just damn annoying & they obviously know who they are. They should really mind their own business. Got an O'level paper to study for? PLEASE DO SO.
Putting that aside, (don't let it ruin my mood further) here's an interesting video that Ray told me about & showed me!
Had dinner at Singapore Swimming Club! Mm shared yang chou chao fan with Zel <3 <3 <3 I love fried rice! Zetaime is damn cute, I cannot get over it. I'll be posting up her photos soon!
Tomorrow = Lunch + gym with J, HSM3 + dinner with Ray & Zel <3 PERFECT DAY!
"So please don't say you're proud of me when I've lost my way."
"Then can I say, 'I couldn't get my mind off you all day?'"
? I should have been trying to prove, that you were all that mattered to me ¿
'Cause I can't seem to fill this void, since you went away.
Happy birthday Qiaos :)
Much love!
I spent the entire day at home, I didn't even step a foot out of the house at all. I was so bored, I..
+ rearranged all my accessories
+ trimmed my nails
+ repainted my nails
+ took out some clothes that I do not want anymore
+ wanted to watch Lword but it took forever to load so I watched America's Next Top Model (and still watching..) instead
+ texted all day
+ had Jay Chou's new album playing in the stereo all day
+ played Facebook games!
Me in my geeky specs!
And I've decided that I'm moving on.
I'm taking away the rear view mirror. I'm not gonna look back anymore but keep going forward instead. Within next two days, I'm keeping away things that would remind me of you. I've done this so many times before, why can't I do it this time? If she can do it, why can't I? Since you're moving on fine, I should be too.
Oh and that would be the last time you see your name up here.
I'm sorry.
I can say it a million times but it will not make you feel better or make you believe that what I've told you really came from the heart. I'm sorry for the confusion. I don't know how much time do I need but I promise I won't take up too much time before I be myself again.
And thank you for staying by my side throughout all these time <3
On a lighter note, House Bunny tomorrow with Ray :) Yay! Magic sushi is back *winks* I feel like eating Subway tomorrow!! Hehe I shall go continue with my ANTM!
I've wasted so much time on you, goodbye it's time for something new.
I wonder if you’re happy, or just glad to see me scarred.
Time for a proper update?
My eyes are still puffy from crying last night. I did it again this morning during shower. Pain enough just by thinking about it. I will be okay, I convinced myself that I really will.
While I put these all aside, I'm going to enjoy my lovely Sunday. Find some peace and love in it, hopefully joy as well. Meeting the seller later to get my DSLR. I'm not that excited anymore. It was meant to be my 18th birthday present from her.. And after meeting him, probably meeting up with Ray. I hope these all are going to make me feel better at the end of the day.
I'm putting away the watch, the rings, the key chain, the lanyard, the photos & everything else that has got to do with her or reminds me of her in a way or another. I just wanna let everything go and concentrate solely on studies, friends & family. I just wanna make some time for myself. I haven't done that in a long time. Now that I'm not tied down anymore, I should enjoy the freedom while I still can. But when Wednesday comes, it's doomsday.
What the fuck is a break for when we're texting each other?
It is called a fucking break cos we need time away from each other, no?
Forgetting is hard when you’re the only one that made things easy; you’re the only one that eases me.
? What is simple in the moonlight, by the morning never is ¿
Before I let you go, give me just one more night to show you just how I feel.
I went on webcam with the girlfriend this afternoon :)
Yeh, you'd realise she didn't do other faces other that that smiley showing all her white pearlies.
I thought we were gonna stay in all day but who knew! Mummy's new television set came early so dad asked me to book tickets for a movie. Yay!!
It's a good movie. I cried at the last part. It's so sad. I get very emotional when it comes to elderly or family stuff. :/
After the movie, mom wanted to consult doctor so we went to Rivervale Plaza. Had our dinner there. It's more like supper, seriously. I had a cheeseburger & I felt like dying. So fat :( I saw Corinne there with Juliet & her other friends! Haha, I didn't say hi though. Shy hehehe!
I'll give you my whole heart to hold as your keepsake.
Sunday, family gathering + my advanced birthday celebration!
I was so happy to know that Che + aunts + the j sisters are coming over!!
We hogged on the net for hours. Zel suggested to get a cake which I kinda didn't want one but whatever, it's okay they got it anyway. We got a mango cake from Bangawansolo! After that, we went back home & had dinner.
After dinner, we gathered at the living hall to watch the fight between Singapore & China. Well, least we got a silver. We should be glad :) Aunt wanted to get home quick so we sang the birthday song with the cake & all. I was in pjs & mom insisted that we should take a photo :( I didn't upload it, neither am I going to publish it here. I look hideous!
It was a wonderful Sunday, I cannot deny :)
Monday, intensive mugging session alone!
I'm so glad I'm home today, which kept Gran to stay for one more night. I love having her around. The way she talks can really crack me up. I'm taking a break now, gonna accompany Gran in the room later to watch some telly.
Gran was playing the com just now & she asked, 'Why you keep doing work? You got so much homework meh?' I was stunned by her question. Mom heard her & came in, she said, 'Mom, she's having her exam tomorrow'. Opps! Hahaha
Glynis \g-ly-nis\ pronounced as glare-niece, lived through eighteen years of love, joy & hardship since 200890.
She's currently doing Diploma in Mass Communications in MDIS.
She takes interest in art, fashion, photography & not forgetting, shopping. Her friends & family are her utmost adoration.
She doesn't know what she wants anymore. All she knows is who she wants & it's the one who doesn't want her back.
TKC
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