Sunday, November 23, 2008
? You blew my mind, left me behind, & now I'm living in your past ¿
You say you don't see any part of me to love in all this mess.
I thought I'd find peace on a cold, rainy Sunday. But calm isn't the word to describe how I've been feeling all day. When I woke up, I felt really horrible from what I read last night. I wish I didn't open it up so I won't have to read it. What's done, cannot be undone so.. Whatever, I just gotta get over it. I don't want having to feel like shit all the time..
I guess one of the reasons why I cannot let it go is because it may never come back. Or rather I know it will never come back & I really want it to come back so I cannot afford to just let it go. I don't know. But letting go is the only thing to do right now, I guess?
"To be honest, I'm not sure about this whole scared of commitment business. I think it's become too handy, a useful phrase that men can bandy about whenever they feel like being assholes. And sure, I do believe there are some men who are genuinely terrified of commitment, but there aren't that many, and for the most part I think it's that they haven't met the right woman yet. Because if a man, no matter how scared he professed to be, met the woman of his dreams, he wouldn't want to let her go, would he? And sure, he might not want to actually get married, but if he were madly in love & risked losing her, he'd do it, wouldn't he? That's what I think, anyway."
(Mr Maybe, by Jane Green)
I spoke a lot about you, moving on & letting go today. First was to Michy, then to J & now to April. I was tearing when I talked to Michy. It happens whenever I speak of you, I just can't help it. I was crying buckets when I talked to J. I blurted things out that I never thought I would, ever until I am over this. When I talked to April, heart's a bit heavy but still alright. Not sobbing, or tearing.
Few days back, mom & I were texting & she sent me another text while I was replying to her previous text. I didn't want to send another text to make it so confusing so I went to read it first. It reads: "4got to tell u, mummy love you so much." I was in the train & I couldn't stop crying. I really love mom though at times she's so hateable & in the past, I used to write a lot about how much I hate my mom & my family. I've always wanted to tell her all that has been happening the past two weeks 'cos I remember when I was going through this moving on ordeal over Xav, my mom was there & she helped me through it bit by bit. I replied her telling her that I was going through a rough patch & as much as I want to tell her & seek comfort, I don't want her to worry about me & at the same time, I don't want to let her down. I told her I am a strong girl & this will get by, I will be able to make it there. And I also told her that I really love her a lot.
And now mom got to know about everything already. Thanks to we-all-know-who-would-do-such-a-thing. I teared (again. I'm sorry that I am a cry baby ok I don't have a choice!) the instant I heard about it. The reason why I kept it from her 'cos I still want to appear strong in front of her. I wonder what she was in her mind when she got to know about it. I don't want her to confront me but I want her comfort. I talked about you to her just now before dinner then she was like, "You & * ok right.. Never go out already ah?" I hid away from her eyes & told her yeh we're good, not going out as often as we used to, that's all. We're both too busy with school & etc, so we don't go out so often. She doesn't wanna see me sad & I know she has my interest at heart. I just don't wanna disappoint her & show her that I'm vulnerable.. I don't know but I love you mom, and that's why I cannot bring myself to let you down.
I was this close to put up one of my favourite photobooth photo of ours as my desktop wallpaper. But I hesitated. I don't want to put up photos of times I used to be so happy when I am not anymore, right now. It makes me feel worse.
Why won't you find me somewhere & we can kiss like I always wanted to kiss you? Appear at my lift lobby like you used to. We'll take many lift rides as you want & I'd be sure to give you more than just one kiss. Let me forget that we were never meant to be & you are no longer my somebody, let me forget that you've long forgotten about me.
Day sixteen: You're turning into this cold monster I've never met before. Miss you, anyway.
P/s: School tomorrow & I have nothing packed. So dead. Effin' lazy. I shall do it all tomorrow. Off to call Yan! (L)
Labels: blockquote, home, quotes, sunday
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